As Giles left the, moose head up on the wall started talking about physics again; and Bruce just had to ask, "How in the hell did a moose head, on a wall of a spooky cabin, in the middle of nowhere get to know so fucking much?".
   "Well," the moose replied, "I was actually a professor at Harvard university but became bored studying physics, philosophy and other equally difficult subjects.
   "I was on holiday in Iran when I found the book of the hypochondriac.  It was a book of the sick, but that was not all, as it lead me to the book of how to do some semi dark magic for beginners.
   "It was then I started to deal in semi dark magic for beginners.  Soon I was able to turn those annoying people at the back of the class hair green."  (For a guy who studied at Harvard his English was pretty fucking bad.  Anyway, back to the story).  "Well soon I was able to do all sorts of things but I wonted to do more and at the back of the book was a strange clue to where the next book in the series was.
   "As I got closer to discovering where it was I started getting warnings from an old lady but I was consumed by finding the next book.  Ignoring the warning, I was lead to this cabin in the wood which at the time was quite nice, the sun shone every day and there was no funny sounding monsters in the wood" (giving a scolding look to Bruce, well as much as a moose head on the wall could manage while saying this).
   "There I found the book of dark magic for beginners, volume 1, part A, 'How To Look The Part And What You Will Need.'  As I started to read the book I found a few simple spells, some of which I tried and completed successfully.  All was going well and I had nearly finished the book with only one spell to go.  It was a spell to summon the next book.  But this spell had to be done just right for any variation could summon any evil on the face of the earth.  My first try I summoned a smoke machine which I left out there in the woods somewhere.  The next try I managed to summon the book but just as I did that the old lady arrived up the track that bypasses the bridge.  Before I could read the book the old lady and I started to argue.  As we chased each other around turning hair green, she turned me into a moose's head and put me on this wall until I could would give in to the light side of the force, and with that she walked off.
   "Over time I thought about the world, then that old man arrived with his wife and that stupid book and tape recorder and all hell broke loose".
   When the moose looked down he saw that the fire with the one large log was blazing away on the fire with out much else to keep it going (very much like one of those gas fires).  Bruce was still slumped in the chair which was now a comfy two seater and Yorrick was finally working his way out of one of the shotgun holes in the wall that was not retouched since the second movie.
   Just then the faint image of the old lady appeared in front of them to guide young Bruce and to tell him that his sister was hidden from him when he was a boy.  "Story interesting, yes.  But once start down dark side you, forever will consumed you be.  But important that is now not.  Sister is yours, hidden away from you she be".  She went over to the moose to whisper something in his ear and then disappeared in a puff of red smoke.
   "What the hell was that all about?" asked Bruce when all the smoke and confusion had cleared.  But the moose refused to say anything.  Soon the sun started to rise over the horizon and a calm settled over the cabin, with all the vines retracting back into the ground from whence they came.  What the vines had to with any thing I don't know, maybe they were eaves dropping.  Who knows and more to the point who cares.

Well on with the story.  (And now for something completely different).

Just then (it's always just then in the movies.  Its as if things just wait for other things to finish what they were doing and then suddenly happen), a small boy in an orange hooded vest ran past the door with some other kids.  Closely behind them was the scary thing we don't have enough of a budget to show but if we can add smoke, some funky noises and run around with the camera speeded up, people might believe it is a scary monster.  (Am I going into too much depth here?).  After running around a few times then running through the building slamming each door of the room that they ran into in the face of the monster.  Amazingly the small 2-3 roomed shack materialized several more rooms and even some large hollow walls that you could run through.  (Who has that kind of structure for a cabin in the woods?)  As the chase continued, each door being broken down slowing the evil presence only slightly, rounding yet another corner the kids split up, Kenny going one way into the lounge, the others running down another wall.  Into the lounge ran Kenny, mumbling something (well its hard for me to write dialog for Kenny's mumbling) to Bruce who just did some unnecessary screaming and ran out of the room.  The evil dead caught up to Kenny and with one easy movement sliced off Kenny's head. After rolling across the floor and coming to a bumping stop against the wall, a small bunch of rats came and took the severed head and body away into the walls.  But were they evil rats?  No.  Semi scary rats?  No.  Throw  me a frigging bone here, I've been frozen for 20 years.  Oh hell lets do what we always do and steal some nuclear material and hold the world to ransom.
   Bruce finally stopped running from the cabin and realized with the tape recorder smashed into tiny pieces he knew what he must do.  He must rid the evil that plagued the forest for good.  With the help of a pure white colored boy (and I mean white like chalk or a piece of bleached paper and with a nickname of powder).  Gathering up all his courage, some amo for the sawn off shotgun strapped to his back, some gas for the chain saw, and one big don't fuck with me glass of whisky he and the boy headed down into the cellar.
   The stairs creaked and groaned as he carefully picked his way down the stairs.  The last working light bulb was still covered in the blood of his last horrific experience down there.  As he switched it on the ground began to shake as if the earth knew what was going to happen.  The light swung slowly back and forth casting an eerie light throughout the cellar.  Reaching the bottom of the stairs he progressed slowly forward, with powder only a step behind.  He carefully searched the room, sweeping the shotgun around.  He was looking for those bloody pages which kept getting dragged down into the cellar.  As he progressed further the hair on the back of his neck rose, but it was just powder playing tricks on him.  Picking up the pages from the mud and from things that they had stuck to he finally entered the small room at the end of the cellar.  Before entering the room he started the chainsaw (amazingly just by waving it.  He really should have been a neuro-surgeon because if he can attach a chain saw to his severed hand and make it start he has got to be a world first).  As it erupted into life in a cloud of blue smoke and a banshee wail of a scream he pushed the door open and burst in.  There was no one there (it's always on the way out that you meet the bad guys).  Picking up the last sheets he turned to leave but there in the door was...  Just powder, not seeing the serious side to all this at all.  As he strolled out the door powder was struck down by a small girl talking backwards with what seemed to be bed posts attached to her arms and legs.  As powder fell into the muddy water a small thunder storm burst into life sending a huge surge of electricity into him, instantly vaporizing him.  Luckily our hero was shielded by the small girl who also was killed and her demon released from the blast.  As the noise settled a faint noise could be heard.  Sounding like a French song that repeated each line ending in what sounded like ding dang dong, ding dang dong.  As the smoke cleared Bruce ran for the stairs, the chainsaw swinging in a very unsafe manner before him.  Racing up the stairs he managed to get out without further incident.  (Well what do you expect?  Every thing else has been killed or vanquished).
   On the radio he heard that the Waikato river broke through a protective dyke as the rain had been falling in the mountains for hours.  There was a large woman saying, "don't go near there, get away from the river."  She was a lesbian.  Lesbian, it's a woman in comfortable shoes.  What's the weather like here? you got a window? open it, and then the radio went dead.  (There is a recurring theme to this story.)
   Baby face, baby face he could hear whispering in the background.  Baby face baby face, slow down child, let me untie your lace.  What was the meaning to this?  We might never know.  Then he could hear a strange drumming cumming from the woods.  It was rhythmic but yet at the same time never repeating.  It was as if someone was signaling something to someone.  Then the drumming stopped but just as they stopped others started to play.  Soon there was another set of drums, and as they built up rhythm others started to play.  Soon the whole forest seemed alive with drumming, but just as suddenly as it had started it stopped.
   "Did you ever dance with the devil in the pail of the moon light?"  As he turned around he saw a small clock clicking at him.
   "Did you ever dance with the devil in the pail of the moon light?" it repeated.
   "No," said Bruce, "I don't think I have.  Why do you ask?"
   "Well," said the clock, "I've been sitting here for ages and I have always wonted to ask that."
   "Did you know that man melts sand so he can see the world outside?"
   "Yes." Said the clock.
   "Oh."  Said Bruce.  "These are the days that we can make a difference."
   "What do you mean?"
   "Well I have in my hands the solution to getting rid of all the evil from this forest and I am standing here under the moon light projecting onto the floor talking to a clock."
   Far away but yet so close was another strange noise.

You will have to excuse this story but I have been drinking a little.  I write more fluently when I drink, but unfortunately it can go off track a little, and as I am listening to some songs as I write this I get different ideas for what to write but it can jump all over the place a bit.  Well I think I'll have another drink - oops did I say that or think it?  Never mind, I'll just think of a good excuse.  Oh crap I did it again.  Re-read the story if you need to stay on track, anyway.

After he put the pages into order and started to recite the spell to send all the evil back into the demilitarized zone, a place among the little people, which follows the Ho Chi Minh trail, and is guarded by the wicked witch of the north who is Hanoi Hanna, ar ha ha harrrr.  But hey, here is a little advice; don't eat in a restaurant located next to a pound.
   As he read the passage the wind picked up into a ferrous storm and it was as if all the evil was trying to stop him.  Soon he had finished and the forest outside went quite.  Soon the sun began to rise, and the hell was over.  Or was it?
   Bruce finally settled down into the rocking chair and as the sun started to warm him up through the window, he ripped up the pages from the book of the dead and set fire to them in the fire place (which was still burning with that log which was put on last night, I am sure it's gas) so no other stupid idiots could bring it back.  Turning to the clock which was now talking to him he said, "Hey, I'm on again at 1800.  Why?  Because I have to.  But seriously, I have decided to go into the ghost busting business with those other guys in New York, what were they called again?  Oh yeah, that's right The Ghostbusters.