"HELLO?"
   I THINK THIS IS WHAT YOU CALL A 'PREGNANT PAUSE'.
   "HELLO?"  SLIGHTLY LOUDER.
   "What?"
   "OH, HI HERC.  HOW'S IT GOING?"
   "Hmm.  All right."
   "WHERE ARE THE OTHERS?"
   "Over 'ere."  A voice from the bushes sounded.
   "FOR GOD'S SAKE, SPIKE!  PUT SOME CLOTHES ON!"  WAIT, WHAT AM I SAYING?!
   "Shame."  Gabrielle muttered, lounging against a tree smoking.
   "Thought of somethin' then?"  Asked a now-clothed Spike.
   "OH YES."
   "!"
   "HELLO THERE YORRICK."
   "?!"
   "WELL, FOR A START, YOU'RE BARKING UP THE WRONG TREE.  THESE GUYS AREN'T GOING TO BE ANY HELP - THE ANCIENT GREEKS DIDN'T HAVE BOMBS, SO HOW COULD THEY FIND A BOMBER?"  SEE, I HAD BEEN THINKING.
   "Maybe you should have thought of that before you dragged us into this?"  Xena pointed out.
   "WHATEVER.  LIKE YOU HAVEN'T BEEN ENJOYING YOURSELF.  ANYWAY, WHAT YOU NEED IS HELP FROM PEOPLE WHO UNDERSTAND WEIRD SHIT:  MULDER AND SCULLY."  I SIT BACK PROUDLY.
   "!!!"
   "WELL YOU'LL JUST HAVE TO GO BACK TO AMERICA."
   "I'm not driving all the way back!"
   "I KNOW, I KNOW.  YOU'VE GOT 'A FORD CORTINA THAT JUST WONT RUN WITHOUT FUEL.'"
   "I think we've had enough punk lyrics."  Aeolus commented.
   "Yeah, an' that's my job."  Spike sulked.
   "ENOUGH!"  I'D FORGOTTEN HOW ANNOYING THIS LOT WERE.  "IF IT'S AN AFTERNOON'S WALK TO THE AMAZONS, YOU CAN BE THERE IN NO TIME, OKAY?"
   "Grumble, grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble."
   "LIKE YOU'D ALL FIT IN A CORTINA."
   "Alright, but if we get to the end of this friggin' thing I'm getting' a new author."  Spike grumbled.
   "ENOUGH OF THE GRUMBLING!  WHICH WAY TO THE AMAZONS?"
   "North."  Hercules supplied helpfully, eager to be rid of the insanity.
   "!?!"
   "NO, THE GIRLY VEST CAN STAY HERE."
   "!!!"
   "I don't want the two of you to cum along anyway."  Spike argued.
   "THAT WAS UNNECESSARY.  WHERE IS SHE ANYWAY?"
   "!"
   "AH, THERE YOU ARE.  NO, YOU STAY THERE."
   "?!"
   "BECAUSE I SAID SO, OKAY?  GOOD.  NOW, YOU TWO GO FIND MULDER AND SCULLY, AND THE REST OF YOU CAN BLOODY WELL FUCK OFF."
   "Grumble grum-"
   "STOP IT!  NOW, I'M LEAVING AND I DON'T WANT YOU BOTHERING ME AGAIN."  THANK GOD THAT'S SORTED.  WHERE'D I LEAVE THAT RUM."


Yorrick and Spike wandered down the dusty lane.  It was the same one as in the Prologue, so I think we can all be spared the melodramatic descriptions.  They did intend to drive, but being in Ancient Greece had confused the Ford into turning itself into a chariot.  Since a Cortina has a nil horsepower engine, our plucky heroes were forced to take to their feet and hems.
   In fact, the situation had worsened when the pair were attacked by a group of yak-cloaked Vikings.  Spike and Yorrick ran from the ambush and hid in a pile of rocks placed conveniently for just such an emergency, and had waited the remaining hours of daylight out as the vampire carefully darned a hole in Yorrick's shoulder, made by an uncaring Viking cutlass.  Now, those of you who are paying attention, unlike the author-
   "PISS OFF."
   Will have been wondering why the vampire and vest were able to walk around in the middle of the day.
   "I WAS GOING TO EXPLAIN THAT."
   The answer to this, to save any annoying nit-pickers, is that Spike had coated himself in Factor 60 sun-block.  Okay?"
   Anyway, as darkness fell, Spike pulled out a dog-eared map that Hercules had given him, and began to examine the situation.
   "Accordin' to this,"  the vampire poked at the grubby paper.  "If there's Vikings here, we've passed through the land of the Amazons, and we're coming up to the land of the red Indians."
   Yorrick peeked from the rock pile, and squeaked that the Vikings had been driven away, a lone Berserker lying in the dust with a brightly feathered arrow sticking from his chest.
   "!"
   "Yeah, let's get a move on."  Spike agreed as the pair stepped from the shelter of the rocks.


FBI HEADQUARTERS
WASHINGTON D.C.
A.D. SKINNER'S OFFICE

"We've had several unconfirmed sightings of a strange creature down on the South Dakota Sioux Reservation.  The sightings seem to coincide with the discovery of a number of people being found dead and drained of blood."  The bald man behind the desk grudgingly informed the FBI agents seated in front of him.  Scully looked sceptical, but then, that's pretty much all she ever does.
   "You want us to go and investigate?"  Mulder asked eagerly.
   "Yes."  Skinner looked as if he was already regretting that decision.
   The two agents leapt from their seats and rushed out the door.  Once in the corridor, they were immediately plunged into pitch darkness.  With invisible glee, the agents switched on their flash lights and began to skip up and down the passageway to make the circles of light waver about frantically.
   "Mulder!"
   "Scully!"
   "Mulder!  Mulder, where are you?!"
   "Scully!"
   "Mulder!"
   "Scully!"
   "For God's sake, you two!"  The corridor was suddenly filled with light.  Skinner stood beside the switch.  "At least wait until you're in the badly lit warehouse!"
   "Sorry sir."  The agents apologized, and composing themselves, strode purposefully towards the lift.