Yorrick
Chapter 3, by Cassandra Courtney
It took a long time for Hercules and Xena to stop laughing. Every time they began to look like they were calming down, they would catch sight of the vest and start up again. Yorrick sank into a dejected heap, all his hopes out the metaphorical window. At long last they wiped away the tears of mirth, composed themselves, and turned to the vest.
"What's your name, buddy?" Hercules asked.
"O-ii-k."
"O-ik?"
"O-ii-k."
"It's Yorrick." Spike offered, seeing where the conversation was heading. "He's Yorrick, and I'm Spike."
"What kind of a name is that?" Asked the woman named after a male angel. Spike ignored her, as did everyone else. As usual.
"What can we do for you, Yorrick?" Xena asked the dejected heap kindly.
"Aim ook-in orr ssomon - ssomon oo ii-e mai ree-a-orr - Ai-ess. Ai oss oppin oo epp mee, ssee ai on mai o an - " He stirred himself and began enthusiastically.
"Sorry but I'm gonna have to stop you there." Xena sighed. "I can't understand a word you're saying. Mr Spike-"
"It's just Spike."
"Just Spike, could -"
"No!" Spike yelled. He had seen enough Naked Gun films to know what was going to happen. "Anything but that running gag! It's William the Bloody, known as Spike. It's much scarier, you know?"
"You don't look very scary." Xena argued.
"Look," Spike emphasised by bearing his fangs. "I'm scary. Grrr."
"He is." Aeolus pointed out.
"Look, we're getting away from the point." Xena objected.
"There's a point?" Gabrielle was annoyed - she hadn't had a line for nearly three minutes.
"Spike," Xena ignored her again. "Could you translate for us?"
They all settled down as Yorrick, through Spike, began his tale. There was a slight pause when Xena noticed Spike, sitting beside her, was peering down her shirt. After an elbow to the nose, the tale continued, but with a certain nasal twang for some time.
When Yorrick was finished, Hercules shook his head sadly. "Sorry, buddy. We're not into the revenge side of things - more of the 'protecting the innocent' sort of stuff."
"I'm into the revenge part." Xena said with a sardonic grin.
"Yes, but then you always get the big guilt thing." Hercules pointed out.
"No, that's the 'acceptance of fate' and 'triumph of sense over instinct' part."
"So what's the point? If you didn't have the revenge thing then you wouldn't have the coming to terms with it part. That way, you could simply skip straight to the action and comedy side of things."
"That's not the way I work. I prefer -"
It was Spike's turn to be bored. He sang #And I wanna be an anarchist. Get pissed. Destroy!# under his breath, as he fished in his pocket for his cigarettes, and lit up, blowing smoke from his nose. Gabrielle, who had been watching him distrustfully for quite some time, leapt to her feet, staff in hand.
"Demon!" She shouted.
"Oh someone give the girl some valium!" The vampire despaired. "I'm bad - I wear black, I smoke, and I've got an English accent. Goes with the territory."
"Look," Gabrielle hissed. "This is a new-age show. There are certain things you can't do: No sex, no bad language, no gratuitous violence, and above all, no smoking. I mean, we can't have the sexiest guy here clearly being a bad influence on the younger members of the audience."
"Hey!" Hercules and Aeolus objected.
"Ah, so you think I'm sexy?" Spike grinned.
"I - I mean..." Gabrielle stuttered.
"!"
"Let her finish." Spike shot an annoyed glance at the vest. "Look, I'm stuck in this bloody awful story, the least I can do is have a good time." The vampire grumbled.
"So what's next?" Xena asked, and was greeted with total silence.
"No ideas?" She probed, only to be rewarded by a chorus of shaken heads and shoulders, followed by some more silence.
"Why not ask the author?" Spike enquired.
"WHAT?!" I BLINK AWAY THE RUM-INDUCED HAZE.
"Look, you cant just sit there an' let us do all the thinking. You're meant to be the one with all the ideas." Spike growled. "After all, you started the bloody thing."
"PISS OFF." BASTARDS. HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON?
"Your spelling's starting to slip." Gabrielle smirked, just before a large tree fell over for no apparent reason, crushing her to death.
"You can't do that!" Xena yelled.
"WHY NOT?"
"Because I'll come over there and beat your brains out." She threatened.
"OH."
Gabrielle emerged from besides the tree, apparently unscathed from her narrow escape.
"Look, this is bleedin' ridiculous." Spike growled. "None of us know what we're doing, and neither do you! I suggest, while you're trying to think of somethin' decent to write, we go off into the woods an' have a mass orgy!"
"!!"
"An' while you're at it, write in a girly vest for Yorrick..."
"WHAT??" I SHRUGGED IN DESPAIR... As a small lacy pink vest appeared from behind a tree, responding to Yorrick's throaty growl with a coy yet sexy shuffle.
"Everyone okay with that?" Spike asked, and was greeted with nods and grins.
"BUT YOU CAN'T-"
"Look, we'll see you next chapter when you've actually thought of a plot."
"IT'S NOT MY FAULT..." BUT NO-ONE'S LISTENING. SPIKE'S GOT HIS HAND DOWN XENA'S SHIRT! OH GOD - WHAT'S AEOLUS DOING UP HERCULES' SKIRT?! OH AND THERE'S THE SQUEAKS, COMING FROM THE SHAKING BUSHES. GREAT. FINALLY, IN DISGUST, I TURN OFF THE COMPUTER. BLOODY CHARACTERS.