It casts the biggest pall over everything we do. Yet it is ignored by all. It is not spoken of, subjects are changed..

WHY?

When I read, I remember smell.

When I think, I want to make things right.

And I don't know how.

But I know I can't.

And I'm playing with something I don't understand..

My dad said, "treat 'em right."

And I didn't know what he was talking about.

I figured I knew.

But it was just in my head.

I didn't KNOW.

Now I know.

And whatever I do, it'll be WRONG.

I'm meant to understand my motivation, now. That was what was fixed that didn't need fixing.

I'm meant to understand why I do things.

I watched three films today in order to try and forget.

Johnny Suede, In The Line Of Fire and Bull Durham.

Not the best choice...

They'll be happier if I stop

(pluralise for anonymity)

what I'm doing.

Or not doing.

Why do I want them?

Because I do.

It's a need.

I can't explain it.

Why should I have nothing further to do with them?

Because I'm low-life scum. A complete fucker, only in it for personal gain.

I joke about not being altruistic..

I'm not.

It's their decision?

Sure.

But I should (and can) do whatever is in my power to lessen my impact on the world.

If my impact will only be negative.

If all I can create is pain.

If I can't make things

The bile's stirring in my stomach.
My back is aching.
My throat is vile.
I'm coated in slime.

Whatever I do, the result will be negative.

There's no happy ending.

So I have to choose the lesser

I don't want to cause them pain

Why?

Because I care for them?

So as I can feel good about myself?

It's not

I have £103.87 in my bank.

That escape route is now open

I could do it

"I've argued that, if you ever feel like killing yourself, you should simply pack a bag, get some money, and buy a one-way ticket anywhere in the world (preferably far, far away). 'Cos there's a whole world out there that you haven't experienced yet. A whole world in which there exists the possibility for you to be truly happy. Most people don't bother with it; they settle for what they have or for what they can acquire through little effort. That's what I'm doing and what you're doing. And we do that because it's easier than living. But if you ever want to kill yourself, just remember that. That there's a chance out there. Fuck university. Fuck a good job. What's the use of these if all they do is allow you to continue living in a place that makes you sick, in a style that's destroying your soul? Get rid of them. Running away is only a defeat if it's from something. If it's to something then you're far braver than most all the people in the world. What we have is a given. What we have we can envisage. We can feel and see and touch and taste and smell. What we don't have, we can only imagine. There's no guarantee. It most likely won't happen. It won't happen. But there's shit to be done."

 is not enough.

Shit, I'm quoting myself...

 is not enough.

I think I get why he did what he did.

 is not enough.

I think too much.

 is not enough.

I have £100...

 is not enough.

I can catch a bus tomorrow...

 is not enough.

I can go anywhere...

 is not enough.

I can do anything...

 is not enough.

"I haven't got time for this Mickey Mouse bullshit!"

 is not enough.

'When the going gets weird the weird turn pro.' RAOUL DUKE

 is not enough.

I am scum

I don't think through what effect my actions will have.

I think only in terms of self.

I care only for myself.

But I don't like this.

I don't have to like how I am.

I thought I had changed.

I believed I had changed.

Maybe I have changed...

I can catch a bus tomorrow...

I can go anywhere...

do anything