I've just downloaded a whole load of really good music using the wonder that is Napster. Don't know what it is? Go to www.napster.com and find out. What did I get? Some stuff from the soundtracks of Pulp Fiction and Reservoir Dogs, some new Lit, a little more Spunge and the glorious Anyway You Want It by Journey. Good times. Oh, and the Happy Days theme.

I was going to talk of wet tissue paper. But I'm feeling mighty righteous and so shall leave that until something else is playing.

I sent a letter yesterday. It was one written in the wee hours of the morning (2-5am) and I have sod-all recollection of what I actually said. Which is always a good thing. I've got a TV and VCR in my room for a few days and instead of having the radio on in the background I've been hearing films the whole time. Tarantino mostly. Other stuff when I get bored. Anyway, back to the letter. Well, nothing more to say about that. Results shall become tangible over the next week or so. And no doubt I won't tell any of you anything about it, on account of not wanting to ^_^.

I've lost 4lbs this summer. Well, to be truthful I lost 6 and then got 2 back. I've been 9st 12lbs for the last year and a half or so. Then, after not eating and sleeping a lot I was down to 9st 6lbs. Which I'm sure bubbles your minds. Why mention this? For the simple reason that I now realise that not eating makes you lose weight. Deep.

I'm playing Reservoir Dogs right now. Whilst sitting down in my red red pyjamas. Doesn't really work, but in my head, you know?

Oh yeah, as well as the sleeping more, food doesn't taste nice anymore. I used to love bacon. Had some last Sunday and felt downright sick. So no more pigs for me.

The A-Level thing that's been in the news lately. More girls than boys are getting As. Because girls are cleverer than boys? Irrelevant. Some guy said he thought boys didn't do so well because between the ages of 11 and 16 (14?) they entered into what he called a "laddish culture". A culture that encouraged stupidity and despised academic achievement. Bollocks. I am a boy. The reason I have got progressively worse results as time's gone by? Because life blows goats and I can't be arsed. Which is true for most everyone. Not some foolish gibbering about peer pressure. Simply that I know "going to school and doing well in exams" won't guarantee me a well-paid job. University doesn't even mean anything anymore. So many people go that it's becoming / become meaningless. I think I'll leave this country when I finish. The government says education in one of their key concerns. That they want to educate the children as best they can. Bollocks. What's the result of educating people? They pass exams! And what are people complaining about? Too many people going to university! Fecking eejits. If you educate the scum then the scum ain't gonna want to be scum anymore. Now, were I in charge (and I know you all can't wait for that to happen) not a damn one of you would be taught a goddamn thing other than how to work in my slave-labour camps. And you'd fucking love every minute of it. Because you'd know no better. People AREN'T born equal. Some people ARE better than others. And the sooner the fuckwits in charge realised this, the sooner they'd sort it out and subjugate the masses. As we vote for them to do every single election by our fucking indifference. People aren't worth shit. Those submariners stuck in that Russian sub? The way people are speaking ill of the Russian government, saying they should have asked for help sooner? NO! Military secrets are worth a hundred times more than a bunch of humans whose JOB IT IS TO GET KILLED. Fuckwits.

Now I'm feeling all angry again, I'll go back to the wet toilet tissue. Do you? When you go to wipe your arse after a particularly cosmic dump, do you wet the tissue first? Or do you dry wipe? I used to use dry. Then, one day, I had a vision; I saw myself putting the tissue under the tap before I scraped off those few remaining dingleberries, so leaving my arsehole shiny and clean. It was a wondrous moment. And, ever since, I have used wet tissue paper. What about you? It's another little survey thing! Do you use wet or dry? Answers in a small, crappy e-mail addressed to me, Caleb Newcastle, master of the inane.

That last bit was written to Mrs Robinson, sang by those nasty little Lemonheads. I thought my ideas were drying up. Fuckwit.

Since August 1st my father and two eldest sisters (11 and 16) have been several thousand miles away, on holiday, in the lovely little country known as Jordan. And it's been bloody marvellous. My mum's been getting rather annoying. With the trying to talk to me. But my sister and brother (nearly five years and six-months respectively) are easily ignored. But my father and sisters get back this Wednesday coming. Which is extremely annoying. I'll have to turn the music down...

When I was about 14 or 15 I was resigned to the fact that I'd never have sex in my bedroom. And then I moved house. Intuition; it's pretty damn nearly always right. The bitch.

Muse are on. Too depressing. So let's have a bit of joviality with Stealer's Wheel and Stuck In The Middle With You. Delish.

I always think I'm right. And, happily, I usually am. But when I'm not... You never fucking tell me! I mean, you probably do. But I'm so convinced that what I speak is divine scripture, that what you utter is nothing more than Satan's feeble attempts to derail me from my fast-track to greatness, that I ignore you. Completely. Hell, you shout in my face that I'm speaking bollocks and I'll still maintain that I am RIGHT. So. To combat this. Because I don't like realising afterwards that I've been speaking bollocks. When next I do, please feel free to... I don't know. Onka's Big Moka (or whatever) is on and everything's sunny and covered in tulips and daisies. So, like, when I'm speaking crap, hold a daffodil to my left temple, or something, and all shall be well.

It's 30. And 7 since 29. Wow. Look forward (never back) to 31.


~


A post-note, not part of the weekly. Feel free to print this shit out and show your friends. I'm trying to create a Caleb-cult here and publicity is always appreciated. My chair and arms are tilting to the right. So I'm going to move.