Back in the library, Willow called seductively.  "Hey Xander, come over here."
   "Huh?"  Was the foggy reply from the book cage.  "I can't, you stupid bint!  The bloody door's still locked!"
   "D'oh!" D'ohed Willow.  "Sorry 'bout that."
   "Well, open the door then!"
   "Nah, can't be arsed.  Got math anyway."  Willow called as she left the library.  Xander pulled hard against the bars, testing his strength and bending the steel inwards, when he noticed Buffy standing beside Giles' office looking rather lost.
   "Well, if it isn't Slutty the Vampire Slayer.  Why don't you come over here and let me out?"  Xander asked in what seemed to be a Cockney accent.  If Buffy didn't appear to be suffering from severe brain damage, it probably would have screwed with her mind, but as her mind resembled a grey lump of mashed potato, she simply said:
   "Daaaaaaah?"
   Xander smiled, and pushed his fingers through his bleached blonde hair (you sure about this character swapping thing Si?  I'm with you on the accent, but is the hair thing going a bit far?).
   "You don't understand a bloody word I'm sayin', do you, beautiful?"
   "Guuurrrrrrrrr!"
   Xander smiled sardonically.  "Well, I'll be blowed."  He paused for a moment, deliberating, then beckoned her towards the cage.  He rested his arms against the half-bent bars, and waited, a strange smile on his face.

Giles made his way through the school for the second time that evening.  He had already attempted to reach the library once, but had made the mistake of stopping off at the chemistry lab where Willow was busy analysing the baguette.  So, inevitably, he had returned home for a clean pair of tweed trousers, and once again made his way to the library.
   The Watcher stepped inside and stared.  Beside the bent and mauled bars of the cage, Buffy lay lifeless, her neck bleeding and at an unnatural angle.  A quartet of violins began to mournfully dirge from the background.
   "Nooooo..."  Giles choked desperately.  "Not again..."  He sobbed into his hand.  "I'm not paid enough bloody money for all this overacting!"
   He got slowly to his feet and prodded the body with the toe of his shoe.
   "Ha!  Saw ya blink!  You're bloody crap at this!"  He paused for a second, then ripped off his glasses and threw them at the floor, where they landed with a crack.  "I was born in Camden, and I sure as hell wouldn't go in for all this poncy librarian shit.  If I have to be in this crappy parody attempt I'm gonna at least be myself."  He pulled off his jacket and shirt, leaving him in a rather stained vest.  "Bruce Willis, eat ya heart out!"  He stalked off angrily.  "Why the fuck would I want ta sit around here talking about leg hair and listening to that bitch with all her emotional problems and the trouble with getting rid of leg hair.  Just comb the bloody stuff and get on with it...  I'm gonna go screw Willow till she's senseless...  Where'd I put those cigs?"

Angel wandered through the school corridors.  Formerly Angelus, the harbinger of death, he was now reduced to a biiiiig fluppy puppy, called in to help a group of pathetic high school students solve their baguette problems.  Oz had come to summon him for his regular mysterious I - know - what's - happenning - 'cos - I've - been - there, - done - that, - but - I'm - not - gonna - help - you - too - much - because - that - would - really - kill - my - dark - mysterious - stranger - bit appearance, and then the guitarist went off to find his girlfriend, completely oblivious to the fact that it was still two hours to sunset and that Angel wasn't all that keen on the bursting into flames part of being undead. 
   In the distance, Angel saw what looked like Giles in a vest roaming the corridors.
   "I heard the news.  You guys need a hand?"  He asked, stooping his best while standing in the shadows provided by absolutely nothing.
   "Oh, piss off, chainsaw man.  If you wan to go play with the baguettes there's one in the lab, but right now I'm gonna go do something I should have done a long time ago."
   Angel noted that maybe the strain of this particular form of evil in Sunnydale was starting to get to the librarian as Giles stopped at the condom vending machine beside the Religious Studies room.
   When Angel arrived at the lab he saw no sign of Willow, but the sudden disappearance part of every episode was compulsory.  He wandered over to the innocent-looking baguette that rested across seven microscopes. Absent mindedly he broke off a piece of baguette and chewed upon it thoughtfully.  He supposed he should chase after the teenagers and get onto the arriving-just-in-time-and-saving-the-day part, but the bread was just so damn nice, he decided to stay where he was.
   "Ah, thank Christ for that!  A decent cup of coffee!"  Giles shouted jubilantly.  "Just 'cos I'm English they think I've got to drink bloody tea all the time.  Didn't they watch all those really crap coffee ads I did?  Do they think that I could have stood all those months of 'love in a coffee cup' or whatever it was if it wasn't for the bonus of free coffee.  Well, from now on..."  He broke off as he saw Angel chewing beside the bench.
   "What the...?!"
   Angel looked up, having suffered the full force of his two mouthfuls of baguette.  He had suddenly developed a pencil-thin moustache.  A broad-rimmed hat was placed across his head at a rakish angle, matching the long leather coat that looked as if it had been stolen from a badly-dressed pimp.
   "Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr."  He purred happily.
   "What the..."
   Angel slowly advanced, staring hard at the nervous Ripper, an unholy glint in his eyes.  He tossed the remainder of the baguette into Ripper's coffee, his innermost desire for Buffy seriously warped.  He slowly pulled his belt from his trousers as he walked forward.

Willow had abandoned her research on the baguette, having discovered precisely nothing.  The fact that her mind was elsewhere and her knickers were damp did little to help.  Even Oz had noticed something was wrong and had left.  Worried that the baguette fumes were starting to affect her, she went out to find some coffee.  She would have preferred a nice whiskey, but this is high school, so the whiskey vending machine was empty.  Life was getting worse when she paid for a cup of coffee, black, no sugar, and received a cup filled with baguette crumbs.
   "Okay, now this is getting weird."  She mused, casting a baleful eye at the chocolate machine, now filled entirely of baguettes in various sizes.  Further down the corridor, a student was attempting to smoke a baguette, frustrated at the burnt toast effect.  Beside them, a maths teacher tried to inject a baguette into her arm.  "Must find the janitor.  I really have to complain about this." 
   Willow opened the door marked 'Janitor's Office'.  Inside, the fifty-six year old janitor was attempting a Monica Lewinsky impression with a baguette.
   Initially, Willow was drawn towards this innovative use of French loaves.  Then she realised that the janitor was in fact Chuck Norris (sans beard)!  The realisation that, without his beard, this once outstanding actor had been reduced to self-satisfaction via baguette means, was just too much for her.  In disgust, she pushed against him with her hitherto only-able-to-lift-pencil majikal powers.  Every bone in Chuck's body was instantly crushed against the far wall of his closet.  His eyes popped with little popping sounds, and the guinea pig crawled away.
   Willow was still so disgusted that she kept on pushing, little realising that she was now pushing against the earth, what with Chuck Norris being all powderised, and was now floating two feet from the ground.  Then she looked down - and didn't fall!  What had been done with the baguette had simply been too much for her feeble mind and the guinea pig had been the last straw.  Now completely unhinged, Willow flew down the corridor towards the chemistry lab.

Xander had always wanted to play with the penguins at Sunnydale Zoo, ever since he was a little kid.  Now he was a bad-ass vampire he could easily get into the penguin pool without being called a pervert.
   "Hey, pervert!"  Yelled a zookeeper.  "Get out of that penguin!"
   "What did you call me?"  Niro'd Xander, jumping over to the rude zookeeper and bearing his fangs.
   "No-nothing sir!  Have a good evening!"  Whimpered David, running off into the hippopotamus.
   "Huzzah!  Back to the penguin!"  With this, Xander had great fun with Nigel (Nigel turned out to be a female Emperor Penguin, and after the standard gestation period of a penguin, she gave birth to a hybrid.  The humguin, Colin, is alive and well, and has recently signed a contract with the producers of 'Fight Club' for a special one-line part).
   (Oh, it's me again is it?  Sorry, needed a quick cig break.)
   Back to the plot...
   Again.

Inside the lab, a low chuckle sounded from the furthest benches of the room.  Angel, having achieved one moment of pure happiness, had reverted back to Angelus.  He lounged against the chemical cupboard, smoking one of Giles' cigs, a satisfied smile on his face.  In one hand he held a bright-eyed, bushy-tailed guinea pig.  In the other hand he was slowly tipping a vial of smoking nitric acid over the quivering rodent.
   Giles was over the other side of the room.  No longer bent over the bench, he stood with his trousers around his ankles and blood trickling down the insides of his thighs.  He shuffled forward, reaching down for his trousers, but keeping his arse as far away from Angelus as possible.  Now pretty much dressed, he tried to sit on a nearby stool, but was too split up, so he stayed standing.  He propped himself up against the wall and looked over to where Angelus was throwing the fur-less body from hand to hand.
   Slowly, Giles began to recover.  He walked, albeit slowly, over to where his cigs had been abandoned.  His hand no longer trembled as he lit his cigarette, and with the first deep inhalation, a Ripper smile spread across his face.  He looked up at Angelus, who met his eyes and laughed evilly.  Ripper's sardonic grin beamed across the gap between them, but there was no humour in his eyes.
   "You vicious murdering fucked-up shit eating hateful cocksucking evil son of a bitch of a whore from hell!"  He snarled.
   "That's no way to talk to you lover, is it, Rupey-baby?"  Angelus mocked, tossing the charred guinea pig over his shoulder.
   Ripper turned round as Oz rushed into the room.  The wolf-man was carrying a bag filled with baguettes, and skidded to a halt.
   "Uh, Giles, I think you might want these."  He said, handing him the bag, eyes on Angelus.
   "Hey, wolf-boy, chuck me one of those bread sticks!"  The vampire commanded.
   Oz threw him a baguette, with a wordless shrug, then looked, almost with an expression, as Ripper also pulled out a similar French stick.  Ripper held it in both hands (the baguette, you sick, sick individual!), balancing it, testing the weight, before swinging it in a wide arc.
   "Wummmmmmmmmm."  He hummed, stepping forward.
   "Zummmmmmmmmm."  Angelus echoed, doing likewise.
   Oz backed away, and hid behind a bench.
   "When I left you I was but a student. Now I am the master."  Angelus breathed heavily, bringing his baguette round to slash at Ripper, who parried just in time.
   "Your powers are weak, old man."  Angelus taunted.
   "If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can ever imagine."  Ripper advised.
   Angelus paused as Ripper held his baguette to his forehead and closed his eyes in acceptance.  Angelus swung round, bringing the baguette crashing into Ripper's ear.
   "Bloody hell!  You hit me in the ear!  Ah, man!  That hurt!"  Ripper looked at him in amazement.  Suddenly, his eyes narrowed to slits and he dived into the teacher's office and disappeared.
   Angelus and Oz looked at each other in bemusement, then turned as one to peer at the open door of the office as a roar sounded.
   Ripper stood, framed by the doorway, holding a chainsaw.  Numerous wood chips clung to his vest, held there by other dubious substances that stained it.  He walked towards Angelus with a maniacal laugh.
   "Noooo!!"  Oz shouted.  "It's Angel!  Don't hurt him - I love him!!!"
   Ripper stopped, frowning.  "You what?!"  He demanded as he spun round quickly.  As he did so, the blade of the chainsaw cut through Oz's collarbone and began to make it's way through the rib cage.  The right atrium, severed, was thrown out in a shower of blood and shards of bone.  Ripper pulled back on the chainsaw, but it was too heavy and the blade exited just above the hip, effectively removing half of Oz's body.
   "Ooops."  Ripper muttered.  The chainsaw, now out of petrol, coughed, spluttered, and died.
   So did Oz, for that matter