Hey spiny anteaters.
tired
Wo ho ho, have I got a load of junk to write this week. Have I? Hella yeah.
tired
Where to start? I made my computer all nice and shiny. Wiped everything off the hard drive (except my 2GB of personal stuff [obviously]) and reinstalled Windows '98. So now my computer (renamed Yelena) runs hella fast, crashes way less often (only a couple times every day), and boots up without a whole load of stupid error messages.
tired
Bad things though. My outlook spellchecker? Apparently I don't write in English. 'Cos when I spellchecked an e-mail for the first time, pretty much every word didn't exist. So I had to make them (exist). Which blew. And I don't have Photoshop anymore. So lens flares are gonna be muy tricky to produce.
tired
Anyway. PSP6! Office 2000! Shininess! All is well.
tired
So it's the easter holidays, in case none of you had noticed. Woo hoo. Two weeks of doing... all that homework I didn't do last term and they're saying I have to if I want to stay at school. Do I want to stay at school? I guess. Beats working.
tired
Hmm... let's think up some deep and meaningful something for me to rant about for a bit ^_^

So I think I'm pretty direct in my dealings with other people, y'ken? When asked whether I would read the part of a character in a book we were reading in English my reply was, "No." And when the teacher asked why, my response was, "Because I won't." So a few people looked at me strangely, the teacher especially so, and then the lesson continued as normal.
tired
So when it isn't something important (A-Levels not being so in my opinion) it's kewl. I say what I mean without unnecessary words etc. I'm direct. But when it is something important, I tend to ignore it. Not in the hope that it will go away. I know I'll regret not dealing with whatever it is that I haven't dealt with because I'm always doing that about things I didn't do when I had the chance. But because by not dealing I can simply put it out of my mind.
tired
Bryan, this Association for the Blind volunteer, phoned earlier, about my next appointment with the eye specialist. And I was fine talking to him and answering questions and junk. So he asks me how I'm doing, how my eyesight's going etc. And I say everything's kewl and I'll phone him if I need anything. Then, afterwards, I think about my eyesight and I realise that (a) either it's always been like this and I've just become more conscious of it, or (b) it is actually getting worse. Over like the last six months. Which blows. So I've got an appointment with the eye specialist next Tuesday and I'll find out which of the above is the case. Here's hoping for the first.
tired
Anyway, last time I saw Bryan he gave me a load of phone numbers to ring for visual aids, walking canes etc. and I said I'd check 'em out. And several months have gone by and I haven't. 'Cos the not dealing is way easier than the dealing.
tired
You'd think that with nothing to lose (figuratively speaking) I'd be more direct in other matters which, um, matter to me. Nuh-uh. Superly less so. Maybe it's just an idealised / romantic vision I have / had of myself, but looking back I see myself becoming more and more open and able to talk and junk, up to October of last year. Not that any of you probably noticed. More in my head if anything. But since October 21st (there's a date that's burned into my brain) I've seen myself becoming more and more withdrawn. There have been occasions when I've openly tried to fight it, but on the whole that's what's been happening. I talk more to people (sometimes) but say less and less anything of real value. I've written some of my thoughts in a tidied up, compressed, sanitised, censored form in some of these e-mails, but not actually tried to do anything about what I've written.
tired
A few days ago, last week sometime, Walker and Baines asked me how I was doing in my A-Levels. Whether anything in particular has meant that I have no motivation to do anything at all (The reason I gave for not doing my English homework. Truthful as ever ^_^). And I'm screaming in my head that there's no point in me doing anything at all ever because I can feel myself going blind (shut up if you say that isn't possible. it is.) and I don't want to live if I can't see and it's all shit. But I say that, no, I can't think of anything in particular, I'll try my best to do my work over the Easter holidays, thank you, goodbye.
tired
I'm a user, you know? I'm not a good person to have as a friend. I mean, I can be entertaining and junk. Make you laugh by saying the right thing at the right time. But I'm not someone you can rely on. When it comes down to it I have never cared about anyone. My sisters? Scum. My dad? He deserves better than me. My mum? Ditto. My baby brother (just over two months old)? He's kewl. When he smiles at me that's kewl. One of those things that makes it easy to forget. Friends? Nothing. Some of them I like / know more than others. But no feelings there. They're / you're people I hang around with because it's convenient. I don't love / hate you. You're part of the scenery. So I've come to believe in Ian's view. Don't know if he still believes it. That people are scum. I used to think that, for the most part, people were worth it. That humanity deserved to exist. No longer. I dislike people. Some people like people. Michael is a case in point. He talks to people. Likes them. I hate people. Some less so than others. You guys. But I know it would be better for all concerned if people didn't exist. So I'm not a nice guy. Polite? Yes. Were I to kill you I'd ask how you wanted to be killed. But considerate? Caring? Feeling? Hella no.
tired
When I was in middle school my best friend was fat. He made me feel better about myself because by being around him I felt stronger / fitter than I actually was. I was a user.
tired
There's a problem. I don't see myself as superior to any of you. Some of you I see on the same level as me. But most of you are above where I am. And it's not even as if you've changed that much. But my opinion of you, of myself, has.
tired
A few months ago I was on the bus going home. Claire and Patricia were sitting behind me and I was half turned round on the seat talking to Claire. And it was early evening, about 4:40pm, getting dark outside, and I couldn't see Patricia. I was looking straight at Claire but I couldn't see Patricia, sitting a foot away, within my 'field of vision'. In daylight. I'm nightblind. Whereas most people's eyes adjust to darkness within a couple of minutes, mine don't. So in dim light I get an approximation of what my eyesight will be like in a few years time. All tunnel-vision like. I was looking straight at Claire and couldn't see Patricia. A bit of sudden realisation which kicks you in the stomach nice and hard like. Don't deal. Ignore.
tired
Now this is probably just hormones fucking around with my head. Teenagers feel shit (metaphorically, not literally [you one sick puppy, Tim]) because of them, apparently. So that's all nice and dismissed then. Once they settle down I'm sure I'll feel all fine and dandy. Hmm.
tired
My body aches and I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. Live in dreams.
tired
Don't bother trying to talk to me in real life about this as I'll only say everything's fine and change the subject.

Nope.
tired
Nothing.
tired
Hoom. Guess I didn't have that much to say after all. So I'll hand over the reigns to the Drinkwater and the Rees. They're way better at this weekily e-mail shite than me. I feel like I've been spreading myself too thin recently anyways. Time to concentrate my creative skills on other avenues of life. And if you're desperate for my ramblings you can always sign up to the mailing list I have gone going on at www.megasad.freeserve.co.uk. So if none of you (apart from those who already have) do, then that'll prove how popular this shite really was...
tired
Forever Later (like, in personal e-mails),
Caleb