What cow's eat. Or horses. Or some animal or other.

This was originally an e-mail I was just gonna send to Michael (what with him being the only one of you all who didn't explode and could be arsed to respond to my last e-mail [the one with the dream]). But, glutton for punishment that I am, I decided to send it out to you all in the vain hope that at least a few more of you will not decorate your bedrooms (or wherever your computer is) with faeces.

So first Michael asked me who the people in my dream were. And I told him. Then he asked me what I thought my dream meant. And so I wrote...

~

What does it mean? Well, that's a hard question boy...

Y'see I've had this series of dreams over the last few months or so. I can't remember them all but the general gist is I'm just about to get close to a girl. Either we're just about to shag, or just about to kiss or, as in the case of the one I wrote down, we're just to about notice each other (if you know what I mean, and I'm sure that you do [Rankin rules!]). And then it all goes wrong. Actually, there's a kind of pattern going on. In the early dreams more was about to happen and the thing which stopped it was much more minor. For example, I was about to shag this gorgeous girl and then I'd hear people getting home and we had to stop, or something like that. Later on it was less intense; kissing and the like, and then she had to go away and I never found out where to or why. And in these most recent dreams I'm just getting to the point where something might conceivably happen, one day, maybe, and then the girl is killed. In front of me. Which is never a nice thing to dream.

So what does it mean? Dr Nick Riviera (doctor of pop-psychology), come on down!

- Hi everybody!
- Hi Dr Nick!
- What's going on in my head Dr Nick?
- Well Caleb, from what I've heard so far I have to conclude that you have real emotional problems!
- No shit.
- It's true!
- A little more detail perhaps?
- Okay. What it is is that you're scared shitless of ever getting close to anyone. You don't know why. You just are. So in your dreams the closer you get the more shit happens.
- What? It got more violent as less happened!
- Yes, on a superficial level. However, tell me how you felt in your dreams.
- What do you mean?
- Well, in the early ones who was this girl you were about to shag? Did you know her? Was she important to you?
- Well, no, not really. It was more a fantasy thing you know? Where a supermodel appears in your bedroom or whatever and you shag. I didn't love her or anything like that.
- I see. And what about the later dreams?
- Um, in those it was more of a believable situation. The girl was my girlfriend or whatever and it really hurt when she had to leave. And it hurt more when I couldn't find out what had happened to her.
- Okay, the emotional involvement got deeper and so did the severity of the separation. And what about your latest dreams?
- Well, The Girl is the most recent I've had and in that it's really lifelike you know? I mean superficially it harkens back to my childhood dreams, what with the getting lost in familiar places. But on a more important level it's real. The people are people I know in real life and the story reflects my feelings towards those people. And the ending is the worst. The girl's killed in my arms...
- Yes, you see this is what I suspected. As the dreams progress your 'real' pain becomes more and more intense. The early dreams were fantasy and you dismissed them as such. The later ones were more believable but the people were imagined and although you may have woken up with a dim feeling of loss in your stomach it was probably gone by the time you'd eaten your breakfast. But these most recent dreams trouble you more. You see your real friends from your real life killed before you and there is no doubt as to what has happened to them. You see the girl's face explode. What do think this means?
- That I shouldn't ever get involved in a relationship because anyone who gets close to me, anyone I get close to, will only end up getting hurt?
- Exactly! Well, hope I've been of some help!
- What? Wait!
- No can do Caleb! I've an appointment in five minutes with Chuck Norris' beard! Bye everybody!
- Bye Dr Nick!
- Wait...

So I hope that cleared it up. It helped me work it through in my head anyway. Now the question is, What to do about it?

~

So I thought at least some of you might dig the kewlness of an interview with Dr Nick.

You see Tessa? This is how to write a fucked up e-mail to people saying you want to talk to 'em and whatnot. Simply coming straight out with it just doesn't work. First you've got to entertain them with a story of whatever. Make 'em laugh. Then they e-mail to tell you how pathetic you are and that you should go out and get a life and that if you don't stop sending them pointless e-mails they'll sick the cops on you. And the dogs. The dogs with killer bees in their mouths. And when they bark the killer bees come out of their mouths and they sting you...

Hey! I'm on a role! So now I think I'll actually stick some personalised messages in here as I have seen done before! Hell, I'll even write stuff for people I can't be arsed to write anything for (though if I'm a bit vague / incomprehensible / pointless that's 'cos I think 'em more than I say them. Or some such junk).

- Alice - I can speak!
- Ali - Hello? Do you even get these e-mails? I haven't heard from you in ages.
- Cass - The beard was for you. Appreciate it, damnit!
- Colin - I know you won't be able to check your e-mails for at least the next four weeks... so if I'm dead by then think of this as a last message type thang ^_^
- Dowding - Do you even want me sending you this stuff?
- Liz - Why does Hollie have the same e-mail address as you? Who's Hollie?
- Gareth - It's your forehead man. Looks like you're growing horns or something. Probably something.
- Gemma - Hey. If you don't know what dream I'm going on about check out www.megasad.freeserve.co.uk/megasad/dreams/girl.htm.
- Helen Davis - The Lickitung background is there. On your page that is. Check it out at www.freaks.fsnet.co.uk/freaks/docs/hd-01.htm and worship me like the ghod I am. No, wait a minute, just let me know if it's hokey ^_^
- Henry - Go check your tenner account for the e-mail before this if you don't know what the hell is going on.
- Ian - Better luck next time, man. With the reviews competition.
- John - How's your web design thang going?
- Jude - Do you even want me sending you this stuff?
- Katherine - Do you even want me sending you this stuff?
- Matt - Nah, I know you want this stuff. You do, don't you?
- Michael - It's kewl replying in my weekly e-mail thang, yeah?
- Michelle - By the time you actually read this I'll probably have grey hair... check your e-mails more often, goddamnit!
- Nikki - Does this e-mail address even work?
- Rachel - Do you even want me sending you this stuff?
- Rees - Get whoever made the spoon, gong, nigel site to stick a score board thang up there. 'Cos I totally whupped its @$$.
- Richard - Congrats on passing your driving test.
- Richard - You listen to your mini-disc thang too much, man. Ain't got anything to say to you!
- Shohan LOTAY!!!!! - Bwa ha ha ha haaaa!!!!!!!!!! I now know your true name!!!!!!! And much voodoo will I now practise. Voodoo? Is that right? Can't remember to be honest...
- Tessa - Kinda covered it above. Oh, and get rid of the dreadlocks ^_^
- Tim - Do you even want me sending you this stuff?

And what I've said to a few of you applies to all. You don't want this shite, tell me and I'll stop sending you it. You say nothing and be prepared for a kewl essay I thought of last night, all about night thinking, next week. Or there abouts.

And for anyone who was actually following that disaster of a story with the pixie-slaying jelly babies, here's what happened next.


Caleb and the Pixie Slaying Jelly Babies - Part 5
A Mega Sad Digression by Caleb Newcastle

Some fox / dog / horse / human hybrids nuked the earth and killed all living things upon its surface. Even the cockroaches.

FIN
(Thank Ghod)


It may be a cop-out of an ending but at least it's an ending. Ain't no way it can ever be followed up. Thank Ghod.

BTW - For those of you who watched Angel last night. It ain't fair goddamnit! We finally get to see a bit of Doyle's former life and then the bastards go and kill him off! And who are they gonna replace the beautiful dude with? Only that arse-wipe Wesley! It's sick I tells ya. The guy's named after that stuck up brat off Star Trek, is nowhere near as fine as Giles and sucks @$$. Aargh! Oh, and Grrr...

Later,
Caleb