Caleb Newcastle
Amman
Jordan
August 21st, 1999
Tessa Burgess
England
Dear Tessa
I am pleased to announce that you are the very lucky recipient of a letter from... Caleb Newcastle!
Anyhow, the main reason for this letter is I'm doing a five-part cross-over thingy and so I needed five people to send letters to. And you are one of those lucky five! But before I get to the screwed up story thang that I've got going on, I'll tell you what I've been doing on holiday so far ().
For the first three days Jordan sucked @$$. The reason for this is that I was in a scabby little village called Madeen. Now if a scabby little village can be boring in England, imagine what it's like when you can't speak the language, there's nothing on the television, it's 40°C in the shade, and you just wanna go home!
But enough of the doom and gloom. On the fourth day I left my family in said scabby village, and went to stay in Amman () with my uncle, aunt and cousins. Amman rocks. There's a swimming pool here which is stunning, and () they have computers! I'm writing and printing this letter on the computer of my aunt's brother in-law. And my cousin Nayef has some kick @$$ friends (). Also my cousin Fayez is pretty kewl too () Anyhow, the point is that this holiday started out crap, but has gotten really good.
I still miss England loads though. When you're in England you don't realise how cool it truly is. When you're in another country however, you do. Let me count the ways in which England rocks;
1
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My bed, upon which I greatly enjoy sleeping, is in England.
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2
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My television, in front of which I lay and watch hour upon hour of quality programming, is in England.
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3
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My computer, over which I sit hunched for hours, writing HTML in Notepad, is also () in England.
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And many, many more reasons...
Now, somewhere between the lack of vampire bugs and the existence of toilets, you, Tessa Burgess, appear. And... oh I can't be arsed with this leading into the story part anymore. So here it is!
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COME ON GUYS! WE'VE GOT TO FORM A CRACK RESISTENCE CELL. OTHERWISE CALEB'S IMAGINATION WILL BE ALL THAT IS LEFT OF THE CALEB!
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S1
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Okay... but I thought we were all dead?
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WE ARE, CALEB'S CURIOSITY. BUT UNTIL THIS SERIES OF LETTERS ENDS WE WILL CONTINUE TO EXIST IN A KIND OF LIMBO THAT EXISTS BETWEEN THE PRINTED WORD AND THE READER'S IMAGINATION!
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S2
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Aw... that's hokey!
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YES, IT IS, CALEB'S LAID-BACKNESSNESS. NOW, WHO'S WITH ME?
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Sn
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All of us!
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WHO'S GONNA HELP ME TAKE BACK CALEB FROM THE TWISTED DEPRAVITY THAT IS CALEB'S IMAGINATION?
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Sn
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Um... we are too!
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WHO'S PREPARED TO FACE IMPOSSIBLE ODDS, WITH ONLY AN EXTREMELY TINY CHANCE OF COMING OUT OF IT ALIVE?
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Sn
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None of us!
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S3
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Except me!
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EXCELLENT! STEP FORWARD THAT LAD WHO VOLUNTEERED. AND WHO ARE YOU CHAPPY?
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S3
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I'm Caleb's Death-Wish sir. I'm the guy who keeps trying to get Caleb killed. Like when he jumped off that 40-foot pole without a safety helmet and whatnot.
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UM... OKAY. ANYONE ELSE?
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S4
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I'll do it sir!
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AND YOU'RE... CALEB'S NAIEVETY, CORRECT?
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S4
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That's right sir. As long as there's the slightest chance of us making it, I'll do whatever it takes!
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WELL, THAT REALLY WAS MORE OF A HYPOTHETICAL...
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S4
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No need to convince me more sir! I have complete faith in you!
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OKAY... NOW THIS IS STARTING TO GET REALLY TEDIOUS. WE NEED SOME MORE VOLUNTEERS, SO I VOLUNTEER YOU, YOU AND YOU; CALEB'S HATRED-OF-HUMANITY, CALEB'S EXPERIENCE=OF-LOVE AND CALEB'S ABILITY-TO-WRITE-HTML. COME ON! WE'VE GOT A RESISTENCE TO LEAD!
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Sv
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Yes sir!
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[Everyone buggers off]
Eh? What was that? I'm sure I heard some voices... Oh well, probably just... imagining it! Ho ho ho! (). Anyhow, Tessa hasn't played a part in this story so far, so I guess I'd better imagine a few of her to go in the harem. But I am SO not imagining any guys in there. That would be just
too fucked up. Then again, why not? Michelle's worn out all my wee-tentacle-beasties anyway... Okay, Ian and Gareth are in there. Colin will just have to wait for his letter. Hey! I know! To be
really mean, I'll castrate Ian and Gareth! Bwa ha ha ha haaaaa!!! ()
Anyway, that's enough of that crap. On with the letter!
~
However nice Amman is though, I'm going to be coming home early. By August 24th at the latest. And what shall I do with a house all to myself and a load of money? Why, Have loads of crappy sleep-overs of course! Every night! Bwa ha ha ha haaaaa!!!
See ya
Caleb
P.S.- This is one part in a series of really screwed up letters. To get the whole story ask;
Michelle Harries
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for Part 1
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Ian Davis
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for Part 2
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Gareth Preston
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for Part 3
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Tessa Burgess
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for Part 4 (Though asking yourself would be a bit odd...)
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Colin Jackson
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for Part 5
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