Caleb Newcastle
Amman
Jordan
August 21st, 1999
Ian Davis
England
Dear Ian
Thanks again for letting me update my site and get my e-mails round your house on August 14th. Sorry I was a bit out of it towards the time I went home (), but I wasn't feeling very well, and so I simply wanted to get home and sleep.
You
may have been wondering () what it is that I've been doing on holiday so far. So here it is:
For the first three days Jordan sucked @$$. The reason for this is that I was in a scabby little village called Madeen. Now if a scabby little village can be boring in England, imagine what it's like when you can't speak the language, there's nothing on the television, it's 40°C in the shade, and you just wanna go home!
But enough of the doom and gloom. On the fourth day I left my family in said scabby village, and went to stay in Amman () with my uncle, aunt and cousins. Amman rocks. There's a swimming pool here which is stunning, and () they have computers! I'm writing and printing this letter on the computer of my aunt's brother in-law. And my cousin Nayef has some kick @$$ friends (). Also my cousin Fayez is pretty kewl too () Anyhow, the point is that this holiday started out crap, but has gotten really good.
I still miss England loads though. When you're in England you don't realise how cool it truly is. When you're in another country however, you do. Let me count the ways in which England rocks;
1
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My bed, upon which I greatly enjoy sleeping, is in England.
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2
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My television, in front of which I lay and watch hour upon hour of quality programming, is in England.
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3
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My computer, over which I sit hunched for hours, writing HTML in Notepad, is also () in England.
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And many, many more reasons...
Now, somewhere between the lack of vampire bugs and the existence of toilets, you, Ian Davis, appear. And your phoneline. And your Internet access. And your funeral! And you leaving me your phoneline in your will!!!
~
S2
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Whoa! Hold up a minute there! What the hell is this?
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S1
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What?
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S2
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You, talking about Ian's dying and leaving you his phoneline in his will! What sort of shit is that to be writing in a letter to a friend?!
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S1
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Well, you know, it's just the way I feel! And who are you to judge me anyway?
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S2
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Why! I'm Caleb's Conscious of course! And who are you?
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S1
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Why! I'm Caleb's Covetous-Nature!
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S2
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So you mean you'd have a good friend die, just so that you could use his phoneline for the Internet?
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S1
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Well, when you put it like that... yes! I need the Internet way more then Ian, yet he has it and I don't! Where's the justice in that?!
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S2
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Well, it ain't a matter of justice! And 'cos you're so screwed up, I'm afraid my only alternative is to kill you. You're gonna die now!
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STOP!
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S1
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Huh?
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S2
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What?
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S1
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Who?
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SHUT IT! I'VE ALREADY HAD TO DEAL WITH CALEB'S IMAGINATION AND SELF-CONTROL TODAY! WHY ARE YOU TWO TRYING TO KILL EACH OTHER?
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S2
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Well, he covets his friend's phoneline!
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S1
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And what's wrong with that?
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S2
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I'll tell you what's wrong...
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SHUT UP! I'VE HEARD ALL I CAN BE ARSED TO. AND ANYWAY, I JUST REMEMBERED THAT CALEB'S IMAGINATION KILLED YOU GUYS BACK IN MICHELLE'S LETTER. SO BUGGER OFF!
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S1
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Yes sir!
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S2
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Bye sir!
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GOOD RIDDENCE
You got rid of 'em, Caleb?
YES SIR, CALEB'S IMAGINATION, SIR!
Good. Be a jolly nice chap and bugger off then.
YES SIR. THANK YOU SIR!
Ah... Now that
that's sorted out, on with the letter!
~
So anyway, England rocks!
However nice Amman is though, I'm going to be to be coming home early. By August 24th at the latest. And what shall I do with a house all to myself and a load of money? Why, Have loads of crappy sleep-overs of course! Every night! Bwa ha ha ha haaaaa!!!
See ya
Caleb
P.S.- This is one part in a series of really screwed up letters. To get the whole story ask;
Michelle Harries
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for Part 1
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Ian Davis
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for Part 2 (Though asking yourself would be a bit odd...)
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Gareth Preston
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for Part 3
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Tessa Burgess
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for Part 4
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Colin Jackson
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for Part 5
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