Top 20 Reasons Why Chocolate is Better than Sex
1. You can GET chocolate.
2. "If you love me you will swallow that" has a real meaning with chocolate.
3. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
4. You can safely have chocolate when you are driving.
5. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
6. You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
7. If you bite the nuts too hard, the chocolate won't mind.
8. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.
9. The word "commitment" does not scare off chocolate.
10. You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your workmates.
11. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
12. You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
13. With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
14. Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
15. You can have chocolate any time of the month.
16. Good chocolate is easy to find.
17. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
18. You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
19. When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbour awake.
20. With chocolate size doesn't matter, it's always good.


Some Things To Remember
* If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you ever tried.
* A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
* Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
* For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
* He who hesitates is probably right.
* Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
* No one is listening until you make a mistake.
* Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
* The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
* The hardness of butter is inversely proportional to the softness of the bread.
* The severity of the itch is proportional to the difficulty of the reach.
* To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
* To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principals.
* Two wrongs are only the beginning.
* You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
* Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
* The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.
* A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
* If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
* Change is inevitable...except from vending machines.
* Don't sweat petty things...or pet sweaty things.
* A fool and his money are soon partying.
* Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation.
* Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
* Always try to be modest. And be proud of it.
* If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
* Everybody repeat after me... "We are all individuals".
* Guests who kill talk show hosts - On the last Geraldo.
* Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
* Hell hath no fury like that of a lawyer of a woman scorned.
* Bills travel through mail twice as fast as checks.
* Hard work pays of in the future. Laziness pays off now.
* Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.
* Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
* 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
* A conscience is what hurts when all other parts feel so good.
* If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving is not for you.



Computer Viruses
-----------------------------Warning for Computer Viruses ----------------------

The following is a list of new computer viruses that are lurking. BE ALERT!! (The world needs more lerts.)

BOBBIT VIRUS: Removes a vital part of your hard disk, then reattaches it. Unfortunately the area is permanently disabled.

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.

AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you are paying too much for the AT&T Virus.

PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary new virus does not horse around. It warns you of an impending hard disk attack - once by LAN, twice if by C:.

POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS:	Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic micro organism".

RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a consultant about possible alternatives.

ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole damn thing quits.

MARIO CUOMO VIRUS: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.

TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS: Terminates your session and then disappears. It'll be back. 

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS: Prevents your system from spawning any child process without joining a binary network.

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS #2: Thers sumthin rong wit yur komputerw butt ewe jsut cant figour it out!

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

GALLUP VIRUS: 60% of the PC infested will lose 38% of their data 38% of the time (plus or minus 3.5% margin of error).

TERRY RANDLE VIRUS: Prints "Oh no you don't!" whenever you try to choose Abort from the "Abort, Retry, Fail" message.

TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it is bigger than any other file.

ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple of bites out of your Apple.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

AIRLINE VIRUS: You're in Dallas, but your data ends up in Singapore.

FREUDIN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with its own motherboard.

PBS VIRUS: Your programs stop every few minutes asking for more money.

ELVIS VIRUS: Makes your computer get fat and lazy, then self-destructs; only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across America.

OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Causes your printer to suddenly become a paper shredder.

NIKE VIRUS: It just does.



Ten Words That Do Not Exist But Should.
1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.
2. CARPERPETUATION (ker' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a piece of string or piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum cleaner one more chance.
3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilise the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.
4. ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The action of two people manoeuvring for one armrest in a movie theatre.
5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept into the dustpan and keeps a person backing across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.
7. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.
8. PHONESIA (fo nee zhuh) n. The action of dialling a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
9. PUPKUS (pup' kus) n. the moist residue left one a window after a dog presses its nose to it.
10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.



Exam Quotes
It's exam time for some of us, but we can enjoy these:

These are actual on-liners that students wrote in exams:
* Many dead animals of the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil.
* All animals were here before mankind. The animals lived peacefully until mankind came along and made roads, houses, hotels and condoms.
* Marie Curie did her research at the Sore Buns Institute in France.
* Men are mammals and women are femammals.
* Proteins are composed of mean old acids.
* Involuntary muscles are not as willing as voluntary ones.
* Cadavers are dead bodies that have donated themselves to science. This process is called gross anatomy.
* The earth makes a resolution every 24 hours.
* A circle is a figure with no corners and only one side.
* Genetics explains why you look like your father and if you don't, why you should.
* Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.
* When oxygen combines with anything, heat is given off. This is known as constipation.
* The hookworm larva enters the body through the soul.
* Some people say we condescended from apes.
* If conditions are not favourable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence.
* When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire.
* H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.
* To collect sulphur fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
* When you smell an odourless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
* Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.
* Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
* Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration and then expectoration.
* The moon is a plant just like the earth only is even deader.
* Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.
* Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
* A super-saturated solution is one that holds more that it can hold.
* Mushrooms always grow in damp places so they look like umbrellas.
* The body consists of three parts: the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium consists of the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity holds the bowls, of which there are five - a, e, i, o and u.
* The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
* The alimentary canal is located in the northern parts of Indiana.
* The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat onto.
* A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars and eight cuspidors.
* The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All the water ends towards the moon because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
* A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.
* Equator: A manager lion running around the Earth through Africa.
* Germinate: To become a naturalised German.
* Litter: A nest of young puppies.
* Magnet: Something you find crawling over a dead cat.
* Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.
* Planet: A body of earth surrounded by sky.
* Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
* Vacuum: A large empty space where the pope lives.
* Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.
* To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
* For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops.
* For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration.
* For fainting: Rub the persons' chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor.
* For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered then shoot it.
* For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.
* For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.
* To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow.
* A student in a science class wrote, "The universe is a giant orgasm." At the end of the students' essay the teacher riposted, "Your answer gives new meaning to the Big Bang Theory."


Library Quotes
Part one:
Actual reference queries reported by American and Canadian library reference desk workers of various levels.
* "Do you have any books here?"
* "Do you have a list of all the books written in the English language?"
* "Do you have a list of all the books I've ever read?"
* "I'm looking for Robert James Waller's book, 'Waltzing through Grand Rapids'." (Actual title wanted: 'Slow Waltz in Cedar Bend')
* "Do you have that book by Rushdie: 'Satanic Nurses'?" (Actual title: 'Satanic Verses')
* "Where is the reference desk?" (This was asked of a person sitting at a desk who had a sign above her head saying "REFERENCE DESK"!)
* "I was here about three weeks ago looking at a cookbook that cost $39.95. Do you know which one it is?"
* "Which outlets in the library are appropriate for my hairdryer?"
* "Can you tell me why so many famous Civil War battles were fought on National Park Sites?"
* "Do you have any books with photographs of dinosaurs?"
* "I need a colour photograph of George Washington [Christopher Columbus, King Arthur, Moses, Socrates, etc.]"
* "I need a photo copy of Booker T. Washington's birth certificate."
* "I need to find out Ibid's first name for my bibliography."
* "Why don't you have any books by Ibid? He's written a lot of important stuff."
* "I'm looking for a book on carpal tunnel syndrome. I think I'm having trouble with it in my neck."
* "Is the basement upstairs?" (Asked at First Floor Reference Desk)
* "I'm looking for a list of laws that I can break that would send me back to jail for a couple of months."

Part Two:
Actual Reference interviews reported by American and Canadian library reference desk workers of various levels.

Patron: "I'm looking for a book."
Mental answer 1: "Well you're in the right place."
Mental answer 2: "Here's one." (Hand over nearest volume)
Audible answer: "Can you be a little more specific?"

Patron: "I got a quote from a book I turned in last week but I forgot to write down the author or the title. It's big and red and I found it on the top shelf. Can you find it for me?"
Mental answer "Books calcified by colour are shelved down stairs in the [non-existent] third sub-basement."
Audible answer: ""What were you looking for when you found the book the first time?"

In an art library:
Patron: "Do you have any books on Art?"
Ref: Yes. Did you have any certain artist in mind, or a period or style in mind?"
Patron: "No"
Ref: "I guess you'll have to look through our 120,000 books and see if you can find anything."
Patron: "OK".

Patron: "Do you have anything good to read?"
Reference person getting her audible and mental answers mixed up: "No ma'am. I'm afraid we have 75,000 books, and they're all duds."

Telephone patron: "Do you have any books on leaves?"
Library worker: "Nope, we keep them on shelves." (She then hung up. Can you tell she's not too fond of Reference duty?"

Caller: "I have a painting by Vincent Van Gogh. It's blue with swirly stars on it. Can you tell me where I can get it appraised?"
Ref: "Sir, does it say 'Metropolitan Museum of Art' on the bottom? It does? Well, what you have there is a poster that they sell in the gift shop. I think they're about $10.00."

Patron: "I am looking for a globe of the earth."
Ref: "We have a table top model over here."
Patron: "No, that's not good enough. Don't you have a life-size?"
Ref (after a short pause): "Yes, but its in use right now!"

Patron: "I have to write a two-page paper on the Civil War, can you help?"
Ref: "What aspect of the war interests you?"
Patron: "What aspect? You mean I have to choose something in particular about it. I thought I'd just write about the whole thing."


GirlFriend
----Original Message----

Dear Technical Support:

I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I've been having problems lately. I've been running the same version of Drinking Buddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the GirlFriend releases I've tried have always conflicted with it.

I hear that Drinking Buddies won't crash if GirlFriend is run in background mode. But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and it work okay.
GirlFriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility.

I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0. After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't have enough cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a Token Ring to run properly. He was right - as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself.

Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, it the first time I used it, it gave me a virus anyway. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while.

I very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system. I tried running GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I didn't know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of GirlFriend and communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions.

The versions I have now works pretty well, but there are still some problems. Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is written in some obscure language I can't understand, much less reprogram.

Frankly, I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connection with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts.

And I've never liked how GirlFriend is totally 'object-oriented'. A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fianc»e 1.0. So he did, but soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he described as a huge resource hog. It has taken all his space, so he can't load anything else.

One of the primary reasons to go with Wife 1.0 was because it was bundled with FreeSexPlus. Well, it turns out the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw which has an automatic pop-up feature he can't turn off.

I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress won't install anyway because of insufficient resources.

Any Ideas????


Dear User,

I must admit we get these types of problems all the time. People just do not know how to use GirlFriend properly. Most problems however are a matter of user education or unrealistic expectations, so I do hope the following is of help.

Firstly, we have never claimed that GirlFriend is compatible with Drinking Buddies. However, there is a lot of shareware that works fine with Drinking Buddies. Of course you can't expect much in packaging of functionality, and I've heard there are often serious virus problems associated with these products.
	Nevertheless, if that's what you're looking for it might suit you better

We do have some versions of GirlFriend that co-exist with Golf. However, these are not in high demand, as they do not seem to work with FreeSex.

Your other problems are mainly due to trying to run too many versions of GirlFriend as the same time.
	Also, we find that most of our users have a very slow learning curve in using different versions of this product, so generally we suggest you stay with one version and add enhancements. Only ever install upgrades with great caution! All of our products are virus free when new. Obviously if you use a copy someone else has used previously, we cannot guarantee it is virus-free. Likewise if you let someone else use your "GirlFriend", it may develop a virus or other problems.
	Never, ever, lend yours to anyone else!

We agree about with your comments regarding too much emphasis on "look and feel". However we do find that this is the only thing our clients are interested in, and as long as we package FreeSex (any version) the actual content does not seem to matter.

It is regrettable that your friend did not seem to understand how GirlFriendPlus works. Naturally we document our product extremely well, but there are some processes that are generally so well understood that to spell them out would seem trivial as explaining "First make sure you can afford this!"
	We would not want to insult our clients.

I hope this explains your problems. As you can see, they are basically caused through your lack of understanding the product. Nevertheless, we suggest that it may be appropriate for you to do a complete re-format, re-write your memory, and start all over again.

Regards,


Get at Bill Gates

At a computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with industry like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five cents that got 1000 miles to the gallon".

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating (by Mr. Welch himself):

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But then you would have to buy more seats.
6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive but would only run on five percent of the roads.
7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car fault" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say, "Are you sure?" before going off.
10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio aerial.
11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.
12. Every time GM introduced a new model car buyer would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
13. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.


Xmas Eve Cake Recipe
Ingredients:	1 cup of water
	2 cups of dried fruit
	1 cup of brown sugar
	1 cup of sugar
	4 large eggs
	8oz nuts
	Juice of 1 lemon
	Teaspoon baking soda
	1 teaspoon of salt
	1 bottle of whisky

Method: Check the ingredient and check the whisky for quality.
Take one large bowl.
	Set aside for a while to ensure top quality.
	Pour one level cup of whisky to ensure top quality. Repeat.
Turn on Electric mixer and beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add a teaspoon of sugar an' beat again. Make sure the whisky is OK. Cry another tup. Tern orf mixerer.
Break two eggs into the bowl and chuck in two cups of Dried Froot. Mix on the turnerer.
If the froot gets stuck in the beaterers loose it pry with a driscrewver.
Sample the Whisky for tonsis......sis......sis......tic......sity.
Next sift two cups of salt or sugar or something......who cares?
Check the Whisky.
Now sift the Lemon juice an' strain your nuts.
Add one table. Spoon. Grease the oven. Turn cake tin 350 degrees.
Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Throw the bowl out of the window.
Sheck the Whisky for liquisity and go to bed.
Happy Christmas everyone.


A New Directive
The European Commission has just announced an agreement that English will be the official language of the European Community (EU) - rather that German (the other possible). As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement, and has just accepted a 5-year phase-in of new rules that would apply to the language and reclassify it as EuroEnglish.
The agreed plan is as follows:
a) In year one, the soft 'c' would be replaced by 's'. Sertainly, this would make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard 'c' will be replased by 'k'. This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan now have one less letter.
b) There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome 'ph' is replased by 'f'. This will reduse "fotograf" by 20%.
c) In the third year, publik akseptanse of the mew spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more complicated changes are possible.
Governments will encourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horrible mes of the silent 'e's in the language is disgrasful, and they should eliminat them.
d) By year 4, people wil be reseptiv to lingwistik korektions such as replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' with 'v' (saving mor keyboard spas).
e) After ze fitz year, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaning 'ou' and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of letters.
After zis fitz year, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun wil find it ezi to understand ech ozer.


Anagram
To be or not to be: that is the question, whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.

Anagram:
In one of the Bards best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten.


Star Trek Script
Captain's Log, Stardate24259.1283 (the numbers get longer every re-run, ever noticed that?)

The Enterprise is heading for Sigma Beta Alpha. Almost nothing is happening

Sulu: We're entering the system. Shall I assume standard orbit?

(Now there's a question. I've always wanted to hear Kirk say, "No Sulu, I want the weirdest bizarre orbit you can imagine! I want us swinging through the treetops one minute and halfway to Erotican IV the next. Show us your stuff Sulu baby!")

Kirk: Okay, we're going down. Spock, how many ways are there to get killed on this planet?

Spock: Approximately two, Captain.

Kirk: Security! Two security officers. Who's on this week?

Intercom: Lebowitz and Markowitz, sir.

(In background: "I got killed last week, dammit! Send Bernstein!" "Listen, I was chewed into jelly twice in one episode just last month! It's your turn!" etc.)

They beam down. (Kirk gives the orders in his usual fashion)

Kirk: Lebowitz, you investigate the strange cave. Markowitz, you gather samples from the twitching plants... I'll go seduce the high priestess.

All: Yes, Captain. (Which one would you rather be?)

Lebowitz goes into the strange cave and comes out in a thousand pieces.

(We all know what's coming next.)

Bones: He's dead, Jim!
(No kidding. Markowitz falls into a pool of boiling antimatter and Bones says "He's dead, Jim!"... "No Bones, I thought he was just napping on the job!")

(We might as well dispose of this other line, too.)

Kirk: It's time for my physical, Bones.

Bones: Dammit, Jim, I'm a doctor, not a physician.

("I'm a doctor, not a ..." - fill in the blank.)

("I'm a doctor, not a floor wax!")

(No wait, it's the NEW Doctor McCoy - he's a doctor and a floor wax! "He's dead, Jim...but look at that shine!")

Kirk: Spock!

Bones: Jim!

Spock: Captain!

Kirk: Bones!

Scotty: Coptin!

Kirk: Scotty!

Bones: Spock!

Checkov: Keptin!

Spock: Captain!

Bones: Dammit!

Kirk: I want answers!

Scotty: They can't take much more!

(Neither can we.)

Bones: Jim!

Spock: Captain!

Kirk: Bones!

Scotty: Coptin!

Kirk: Kirk to engineering!

Intercom: I'm sorry... The number you have dialled... Is not in service.

Kirk: Whhaaatt?!?!

(And so on.)

(Okay, now we are coming to the ending. Now, depending on which season the episode was in, there are three endings. They were very strict about this in the editing.)

(In the first season, it was the 'test by superior being' ending.)

Kirk: But what were these Old Ones, anyway?

Amazingly Superior Being: (Appearing suddenly waving a large wand) Aha! It was all just a test! There's hope for you next. We're not going to destroy you after all, at least not this century!

(It's the Old Ones, too. Or the Great Ones, anyhow. The Blue Ones, maybe. No. The Dull Ones, "We poor inferior beings were put here by the Dull Ones. They put us to sleep for a thousand years. You woke us up, Kirk, so you must die.")

(The second season was a high-tension one. Kirk's on the planet with the hyper-explosive, it's time for a last-minute beam-up, and what 's malfunctioning? The transporter of course! No kidding.)

Spock: (Over the communicator) Five. Four.

Kirk: Scotty, hurry up.

Spock: Three. Two.

Scotty: (Over the communicator) It's fixed, but I don't...

Kirk: Scotty! Detonate and energise! (Pause). No. ENERGISE AND DE- <haphooOOMMMPPPPHHHHHsizzle>.

(But in the third season, it was Spock. See, for the first time of a couple of years they hadn't really gotten his character down, but in the third season it was well defined.)

Kirk: Spock! Isn't it true that all Vulcans have the ability to tap-dance backwards through time while levitating through walls and juggling loaded phasers whilst blindfolded?

Spock: Yes, Captain, but it requires immense concentration.

Kirk: You'll just have to try it Spock!

Spock: Ommmmmm... Oooooooooooooo... Oh, I did it. Guess it wasn't so hard.

(What really gets me about Spock is his amazing memory for trivia. Ancient history of a planet he wasn't born on, stellar maps, geography, arts and entertainment... I want to see this man on Jeopardy. No, wait, here's a scenario: Spock, HAL 9000, and Obi-wan-Kenobi, playing Jeopardy...)

Voice: And our next answer is 150m. What's the question? Let's see what our contestants wrote! Spock!

Spock: What is the wingspan of a Klingon warship?

Voice: That's correct, but it's not the question we're looking for. HAL 9000?

HAL: How wide is the docking bay?

Voice: I'm sorry that is not correct.

HAL: Yes it is.

Voice: No it's not.

HAL: I'll turn off your life support.

Voice: We'll be back in a moment!

(After a bit: The scene reopens. HAL is missing.)

Voice: And for final Jeopardy! The answer is: 42! The question is...? Spock?

Spock: 'How many roads must a man walk down'?

Voice: No, I'm sorry, that's not right. Obi-wan-Kenobi?

Kenobi: 'How many years must I wait in this f***ing desert'?

(Pause)

Voice: No, se can't accept that answer.

Kenobi: You can accept that answer.

Voice: You can accept that answer.

Kenobi: Tell me what I have won.

Voice: Here's what you have won!



Top 33 Sexy Lines from the Star Wars Trilogy

Star Wars
10. "Get in there you bit furry oaf, I don't care what you smell!" (Han)
9.   "Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?" (?)
8.   "Put that thing away before you get us all killed." (Leia)
7.   "You've got something jammed in here real good." (Luke)
6.   "Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?" (Leia)
5.   "You came in that thing? You're braver that I thought." (Leia)
4.   "Sorry about the mess..." (Kenobi)
3.   "Look at the size of that thing!" (Leia)
2.   "Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough!" (C3PO)
1.   "She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid." (Han)

The Empire Strikes Back
10. "I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me." (C3PO)
9.   "Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?" (Yoda)
8.   "There's an awful lot of moisture in here." (Han)
7.   "But now we must eat. Cum, good food, cum..." (Yoda)
6.   "That's okay, I'd like to keep it on manual control for a while." (Han)
5.   "Hurry up, golden-rod..." (Han)
4.   "I must have hit pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up like that, huh kid?" (Han)
3.   "Possible he came in through the south entrance." (A nobody)
2.   "And I thought they smelled bad on the outside!" (Han)
1.   "Control, control! You must learn control!" (Yoda)

Return of the Jedi
13. "What could possible have come over Master Luke? Is it something I did? He never expressed any unhappiness with my work."  (C3PO)
12. "Hey, point that thing someplace else."  (Han)
11. "I look forward to competing your training. In time you will call me master."  (Emperor)
10. "You're a jittery little thing aren't you?"  (Leia)
9.   "I never knew I had it in me."  (C3PO)
8.   "Someone must have told them about my little manoeuvre at the battle of Taanab"  (Lando)
7.   "There's good in him, I've felt it."  (Luke)
6.   "If I told you half the things I've heard about this Jabba the Hut, you'd probably short circuit."  (C3PO)
5.   "I assure you Lord Vader, my men are working as fast as they can."  (Jerjerrod) with reply "Perhaps I can find new ways to motivate them." (Darth)
4.   "Grab me, Chewie. I'm slipping - hold on. Grab it, almost... you almost got it. Gently now, all right, easy, easy, hold me, Chewie, Chewie!"  (Han) with "A little higher, just a little higher." (Lando)
3.   "Short help's better that no help at all."  (Han)
2.   "Hey, Luke, thanks for coming after me - now I owe you one."  (Han)
1.   "Back door, huh? Good idea!"  (Han)
Top 100 Reasons Why Captain Kirk is Better than Captain Picard
1) Kirk is a leader not a follower.
2) Kirk never really got into that kinky jumpsuit look.
3) Kirk has sex more than once in a season.
4) One Word: Hair
5) Another Word: Pretty-good-looking-can't-see-the-weave-wig.
6) Kirk can beat up a Klingon barehanded.
7) Picard is a French man with an English accent.
8) Kirk would never date Beverly Crusher - and damn the consequences!
9) Kirk never drank tea. Ever.
10) Diplomacy for Kirk is a phaser and a smirk.
11) Kirk would personally throw Wesley off his bridge.
12) Two Words: Shoulder Roll.
13) Kirk doesn't wear dresses when admirals arrive for lunch.
14) Kirk once said, "I've got a bellyache - and it's a beauty".
15) Kirk would never sing to children in a crisis.
16) Kirk can almost drive a stick shift.
17) Kirk, almost single-handedly, re-populated the Earths' whale population.
18) Kirk says, "Prime Directive? What Prime Directive?"
19) Kirk knows 20th Century curses.
20) Kirk was never infiltrated by the Borg and used against the Federation.
21) Kirk ate little coloured cubed and still remained relatively healthy.
22) Kirk made do with obviously low performance technology.
23) Kirk never pretends to be a barber in order to gain a tactical advantage.
24) Kirk wasn't shy about taking his shirt off - even around those pesky Yeomans.
25) Kirk would never waste a holodeck on something stupid like Dixon Hill.
26) Kirk never once stood up and had to straighten his shirt.
27) One Word: Velour.
28) Kirk can beat a Vulcan at Chess.
29) When Kirk was Picard's age, he retired from Admiral and took to climbing rocks.
30) When Picard was 37, he was only captain of a lowly freighter, Stargazer. When Kirk was 37, he was captain of the flagship, Enterprise.
31) Kirk liked a good belt of liquor ever now and again.
32) One Word: Iman.
33) Kirk looks good with a ripped shirt.
34) If Kirk ever met a Ferengi, he would rip off its head and shit down its neck.
35) Kirk says, "Shoot first and wait for retaliation".
36) Kirk's first officer NEVER tells him to stay on the bridge.
37) Kirk never leaves the room to bawl someone out.
38) Kirk doesn't rely of the wisdom of some old janitor to get him out of intergalactic scrapes.
39) Two Words: Funky Sideburns.
40) Kirk never asks a bartender for advice.
41) Kirk never once said, "Abandon ship! All hands abandon ship!"
42) Kirk is not politically correct.
43) Kirk never once got dumped by a woman for an intergalactic busybody named after a letter of the alphabet.
44) Kirk never wore green tights and frolicked about in Sherwood Forest.
45) If there a Klingon on Kirk's bridge, Kirk would likely be dead.
46) Ever hear of a bar shooter called "Make it so?" No? How about a "Beam me up Scotty" then? See the difference?
47) One Word: Miniskirts.
48) Kirk's girlfriends always look good in soft light.
49) Kirk never went anywhere without a whole bunch of guy in red shirts.
50) Kirk's first officer didn't play a wimpy instrument like the trombone.
51) Kirk had more dates than his first officer.
52) The extent of Kirk's knowledge of Klingon vocabulary can be roughly translated as "GO F*CK YOURSELF".
53) If something doesn't speak English - it's toast.
54) Kirk wasn't some prissy archaeology fan.
55) Picard's middle name isn't tough or awe-inspiring like Tiberius is.
56) If Kirk finds a strange spinning probe, be blows it up.
57) Picard never met Joan Collins.
58) Picard flunked his entrance exams to Starfleet.
59) Picard hasn't fathered any children, Kirk - probably millions.
60) Kirk has a cool phaser - not some pansy Dust-Buster.
61) Two Words: Line Delivery.
62) Picard grew up on a quaint little French vineyard, squishing grapes with his toes, while Kirk slung bails of wheat and hay in Towa to put himself through school.
63) Kirk emphasises his orations with pertinent hand gestures.
64) Kirk once made a cannon out of bamboo, sulphur, potassium nitrate, and charcoal and then fired diamonds into the hearts of his enemies. (Need we say more?) 
65) Kirk is not put off by green skins.
66) Kirk knows how to deal with peace loving hippy goofs.
67) Kirk once fought a Greek god. And won.
68) Kirk rarely asks for suggestions. And if he does, he only asks Spock.
69) Kirk doesn't let the doctor tell him what to do.
70) One Word: Fisticuffs.
71) Kirk's name is hated throughout the galaxy.
72) Kirk appreciates Shakespeare, but he doesn't let is show.
73) You can never lock up Kirk for a long time.
74) Kirk's eulogies can actually make you cry.
75) Kirk plays God with lesser cultures, and then exploits them for resources.
76) Kirk's son would never drop out to become a musician.
77) Kirk can climb up a Jeffries Tube and fix anything.
78) Kirk never hired an engineer with punk glasses.
79) The Klingons never had a word for surrender - until they met Kirk.
80) Kirk's bridge is not beige.
81) Two Words: Crane Shots.
82) Picard likes wimpy violin music - and coerces Data into playing it.
83) Picard allows cats onboard, while Kirk beams away even really cute things, like Tribbles.
84) Kirk is a cultural icon - Picard is just some guy who's really nice.
85) Kirk specifically ordered a swivel LA-Z-BOY for the bridge.
86) Kirk would never even touch SYNTHAHOL.
87) Kirk looks distinguished in reading glasses - and nobody dares to call him "four eyes".
88) Kirk can infiltrate Gangsters, Nazis, and even the Pentagon - easily.
89) Picard likes painting nudes, for art's sake.
90) When Kirk doesn't trust the Romulans, he fires at them. When Picard doesn't trust the Romulans, he gets fired at.
91) Kirk never once, ever, wore a wiener wrapping Speedo banana hammock on shore leave.
92) Kirk never gets his command codes locked out by some pimply acting ensign.
93) Kirk doesn't test the engines - he just fires them up.
94) When Kirk says "Boldly Go" he MEANS it.
95) Three Words: Flying Leg Kick.
96) Picard's crew would never ever think of him as a sexual object.
97) Kirk travelled through the Great Barrier, met God, and wasn't impressed.
98) Kirk's bedroom is a passion pit with electric sheets.
99) Kirk would never let his Chief of Security wear a ponytail.
100) One Word: Balls.


46 Things That Never Happen on Star Trek
1. The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a kind that it has encountered several times before
2.  The Enterprise goes to check on a remote outpost of scientists, who are all perfectly all right.
3. The Enterprise comes across a Garden-of-Eden-like planet called Paradise, where everyone is happy at all times. However everything is soon revealed to be exactly as it seems.
4. The crew of the Enterprise discover a totally new life form, which later turns out to be a rather well known old life form, wearing a silly hat.
5. The crew of the Enterprise are struck by a strange alien plague, for which the cure is found in the well-stocked sickbay.
6. An enigmatic being compost of pure energy attempts to interface to the Enterprise's computer only to find out that it forgotten to bring the right leads.
7. A power-surge on the Bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed as a faulty capacitor by the highly trained and competent engineering staff.
8. A power-surge on the Bridge fails to electrocute the user for a computer panel, due to a highly sophisticated 24th century surge protection feature called a 'fuse'.
9. The Enterprise ferries an alien VIP from one place to another without serious incident.
10. The Enterprise is captured by a highly superior alien intelligence, which does not put them on trial.
11. The Enterprise separated as soon as there is any danger.
12. The Enterprise gets involved in an enigmatic, strange and dangerous situation, and there are no pesky aliens they can blame it on in the end.
13. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien intelligence, which they easily pacify by offering it some sweeties.
14. The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp phenomenon, which is in some way unconnected with the 20th century.
15. Somebody takes out a shuttle and it doesn't explode or crash.
16. A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, but fortunately some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to everyone's satisfaction.
17. The shields on the Enterprise stay up during a battle.
18. The Enterprise visits the Klingon Home World on a bright, sunny day.
19. An attempt at undermining the Klingon-Federation alliance is discovered without anyone noting that such an attempt, if successful, "would represent a fundamental shift of power throughout the quadrant".
20. A major character spends the entire episode in the Holodeck without a single malfunction trapping him/her there.
21. Picard hears the door chime and doesn't bother to say, "Come".
22. Picard doesn't answer a suggestion with "Make it so".
23. Picard walks up to the replicator and says "Coke on ice"
24. Counsellor Troi states something other than the blindingly obvious.
25. Mood rings come back into style, jeopardising Counsellor Troi's position.
26. Worf and Troi finally decide to get married, only to have Kate Pulaski show up and disrupt the wedding by shouting, "Did he read you love poetry?! Did he serve you poisonous tea?! He's MINE!"
27. When Worf tells the bridge officer that something is entering visual range, no one says, "On screen".
28. Worf actually gives another vessel more than 2 seconds to respond to one of the Enterprises hails.
29. Worf kills Wesley by mistake in the holodeck, (pity this wasn't done in "D»j vu" then we could have seen it 5 times without rewinding the tape).
30. Wesley Crusher gets beaten up by his classmates for being a smarmy git, and consequently has a go at making some friends of his own age for a change.
31. Wesley saves the ship, the Federation and the Universe as we know it, and EVERYONE is grateful (including the Net).
32. The warp engines start playing up a bit, but seem to sort themselves out after a while without any intervention from the boy genius Wesley Crusher.
33. Wesley Crusher tries to upgrade the warp engines and they work better than ever.
34. Beverly Crusher manages to go through a whole episode without having a hot flush and getting breathless every time Picard is in the room.
35. Guinan forgets herself, and breaks into a stand up comedy routine.
36. Data falls in love with the replicator.
37. Kirk (or Riker) falls in love with a woman on a planet he visits, and isn't tragically separated from her at the end of the episode.
38. The Captain has to make a difficult decision about a less advanced people, which is made a great deal easier by the Starfleet Prime Directive.
39. An unknown ensign beams down to a planet as part of an away team and lives to tell the tail.
40. Spock or Data is fired from his high-ranking position for not being able to understand the most basic nuances of about one in three sentences that anyone says to him.
41. Kirk's hair remains consistent more than one consistent episode.
42. Kirk gets into a fistfight and doesn't get his shirt ripped. (Or even, Kirk gets into a fistfight...)
43. Kirk doesn't end up kissing a troubled guest-female before she doesn't sacrifice herself for him.
44. Scotty doesn't mention the laws of physics.
45. Spock isn't the only crewmember not affected by new weapon/attack by an alien race/etc.!! due to his "darn green blood" or "bizarre Vulcan physiology" and thus he cannot save the day.
46. The episode ends without Bones & Kirk laughing at Spock's inability to understand the joke, and he doesn't raise his eyebrow.


The Star Wars Macarena (Oh Baby!)
Obi-Wan Kenobi, he get by on jail pension, He now suffer from arthritis - constipation not to mention! Try to use El Force-o, brain all dried up like adobe! HEY, BEN KENOBI!

Wookie El Chewbacca show off shaggy Bigfoot torso! He member of El Hair Club - La Rogaine now endorso! Han Solo, he comprehende - Wookie lingo screwy! HEY, SENOR CHEWY!

Flyboy is Han Solo, hot to jump on Princess Leia! But Leia, she play hardball, never give him time of day-a! Han no give a damn - so Indy Jones his primo role-o! HEY, FLYBOY SOLO!

Bimbo Princess Leia she play hard to get, by golly! When she strip down to her skivvies, she one very hot tamale! Mucho kicks she gets when men bow down, and obey-a! HEY, PRINCESS LEIA!

Dark Side turn Darth Vader into deep-space Dr. Death-o! He turns off Rebels plenty with his wheezy morning breath-o! Whole planets he wipe out - no one to stop him like Ralph Nader! HEY, LORD VADER!

Jabba fat like - grande glutton roly-poly! He pigs out on compadres - make them instant guacamole! Soon el groundo shake-o with a belcho furloso! HEY, JABBA GROSSO!

Luke-o shook up when learn Darth Vader is his padre! Find out Leia she his sister - hope that Jabba not his madre! Mucho stupefied like gringo bombed out on Sambucco! HEY, SENOR LUKE-O!

Gabby droid C3PO he big pain in el but-to! All the time he fuss and worry - his big mouth he never shut-o! Other droids they think he a closet gay he might just be-o! HEY, C3PO!

Robot R2D2 he computer mucho grande! So smart that even Windows 95 he understande! Glad to show you some cyber-porn once price you both agree to! HEY, R2D2!


Funky Star Wars Names
Luke Skywalker = Fluke Skydiver/Fluke Starbucker
Leia Organa Solo = Laser Organic Salad.
Han Solo = Ham Sandwich
Chewbacca = Chewie the cookie
C3PO = Go-p-p-o
R2D2 = I-will-p2
Darth Vader = dork Vader/Darf Nader
Emperor = President of Diluted Fruit Cakes Anonymous
Boba Fett = Blot of Fat
Mara Jade = Lara's Shade
Yoda = olda/Taco
Kyle Katatn = Bile Bladdar


Never Say These Things Would I!
1) I've used face creams. Age defying make-up, powder and who give anything if I look 10 years younger.
2) You say you can't move that ship? Well I can and guess where I'm gonna shove it!
3) If I were you I wouldn't even try.


Imperial Rhapsody
Lando: This is the good life
This is a fantasy
Working on Bespin
An escape from Reality.
Leia: Open your eyes
Stand up to those guys and see.
Luke: I'm just a farm boy, I need some sympathy
Cus who's my dad, I dunno
Little whine, little moan.
Han: Anywhere the Force goes, doesn't really matter to me.

Piett: Vader just killed a man.
Raised an arm up in the air
Now his life is no longer there.
Vader, we had just begun,
And now I've gone and lost the reb-el scum.
Vader, oooooooo
Did mean to make you mad
If I'm not alive again this time tomorrow,
There'll be a new admiral, as if nothing ever happened.

Yoda: Too late, my time has come,
Sends shivers down my spine
Body's aching all the time.
Luke: Goodbye everybody, I've got to go
Gotta leave you all behind and learn the Force.
Piett: Vader, oooooooo,
I don't wanna die
I sometimes wish I'd never been born at all.
Luke: I see a little silhouetto of a man
Palpatine, Palpatine, can it be the Emperor?
Thunderbolts and lightning, very, very hurting me.
R2D2, R2D2,
R2D2, R2D2,
R2D2, where'd ya go? C2PO O O O O O OH!

Luke: I'm just a farm boy, nobody loves me.
Rebels: He's just a farm boy, with a dead family.
Spare him this life if such mendacity!
Han: Spice'll come, spice'll go. Jabba let me go.
Jabba: Bo shuda! (NO, we will not let you go)
Han: Let me go!
Jabba: Bo shuda! (We will not let you go)
Han: Let me go!
Jabba: Bo shuda! (We will not let you go)
Han: LET ME GO!
Jabba: WILL NOT LET YOU GO!
Han: LET ME GO!
Jabba: WILL NOT LET YOU GO!

Han: LET ME GO!
Jabba: NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!

(Storm troopers start head banging)

Luke: So you say you're the dear old dad of mine?
But you cut off my hand and let me die!
Oh, Vader can't do this to me, Vader.
I know there's some good; I know there's some good in you.

Obiwan: May the Force be with you.
Use the Force to see.
May the Force be with you,
May the Force be with you, alwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays.

Han: Anywhere the Force goes, doesn't really mat-ter, to meeeeeeeeeee.


Miscellaneous
* Popular Mechanics, 1949
"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tins."
* Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943
"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."
* Unknown
"With proper diet, rest and exercise a healthy body will last a lifetime."

* "Consumer Guide", Sears, Robuck and Co. (1897)
"If you don't find it in the index, look very carefully through the entire catalogue."
* Radio Active Jelly...
A few students on foundation day painted a van with Lucas Heights Nuclear Commission on the side of it and whilst driving through St. George, Sydney, rolled out a 40-gallon drum of green jelly onto the road. They stopped, got out in suits and Geiger counters set on max sensitivity so as to continuously crackle. The resulting mayhem of pedestrians and drivers was something to behold. Soon the police cordoned off the area. The driver of the van said he was off to get some gear and disappeared. The others soon after also disappeared, leaving the police with a 40-gallon drum with nuclear signs on it and green stuff falling out of it and a very worried public.
* Egg in Hankie
1. Buy egg.
2. Find a bus stop with long queue.
3. Stand near start of queue.
4. Take out hankie.
5. Put egg in hankie.
6. Make snorting noises and start saying "Oh God No..."
7. Put hankie (and hidden egg) around nose.
8. Make LOUD snorting noises.
9. Squeeze egg.
10. Allow egg to drip down arm onto floor.
11. The long bus queue will now be much shorter.
* Bunny Prank
This always gets funny looks. Walk into to a shop and buy a MARS(tm) bar. Take off the wrapper in the shop and stuff the MARS(tm) bar into your mouth sideways and hop around the store. Good Bugs Bunny Impression!!
* How many Americans does it take to change a light bulb?
Two - one to change the light bulb, and one to sue the original light bulb manufacturer for pain and suffering for having to change the light bulb, compensation for lost light, and to set a new legal precedence requiring light bulb manufacturers to state clearly that light bulbs may require replacing and that the manufacturer is in no way responsible for lost wages or any other consequential damages as allowed by law.
* How many economists does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they're waiting for the unseen hand of the market to correct the lighting disequilibria.


Most Common Signs of Abduction
 The most common signs of abduction are:
1. A giant urge to shout "Arm Slap Fish Head!" to your local officials or people around you.
2. Strange wounds not know how they are gotten.
3. Chronic bed-wetting.
4. Change in mood or feelings.
5. Abnormal marks on neck or other body areas.
6. Sinus problems
7. A need to dance the funky chicken.
8. Finding Polka likeable.
9. You begin to like Country.
10. You think Rap is actually good.
11. You begin to put mustard on your popcorn.
12. Missing time.
13. Lack of or too much hair in places.
14. Memory loss.
15. Clothes not fitting properly.
16. Sever lethargy in the mornings.
17. Not clear sight in the mornings.
18. Full bladder in the mornings.
19. Sever depression.
20. Waking up with a pair of clown shoes on.
21. "Eye boogers" in the morning.


House-hunting in Ireland
A young couple about to get married were looking for a house in the country.
After finding a house suitable, they made their way home, on the way the young lady said to her husband-to-be, "Did you see a WC George?"
	Not having seen one, George wrote off to the landlord. The landlord being unfamiliar with this term WC ultimately decided it meant Wesleyan Church and George received this letter in reply:
	"Dear Sir and Madam,
		I regret the delay in the matter but I have the pleasure in informing you that the WC it situated 9 miles from the house and is capable of seating 250 people. This is an unfortunate situation if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be glad to know that a great many of people take their lunch and make a day of it.
	Others, who cannot spare the time, go by car and arrive there just in time.
	It may be of interest to you that my daughter met and married her husband in our WC; I remember the marriage well as there was a great rush for seats; there were 10 on the one I was occupying and it was wonderful to watch the expressions on their faces.
	My father was christened in its waters but has gone now. I advice you to pay a special visit on Sundays as there is an organ accompaniment, you will find plenty of standing room should you be late. My wife and I have not been for 6 months and it pains us very much, but shall be delighted to reserve the best seats for you and your wife and we may have the pleasure of going together.

			Yours faithfully.
				G.W.R. Murphy

	P.S. There are Hymn sheets handing behind the door.


How European Are You?
Are you ready to join a federal Europe? Try this simple quiz to determine just how European you really are:

1) Your wife has asked you to pop into Marks and Sparks to buy her a new bra, but when you get to the cash desk you notice there is a large queue. What do you do?
a) Take your place in line and wait patiently to be served.
b) Put the bra back on the shelf and return when the queue is shorter.
c) Barge directly to the front of the line and scream, "Ich leber stomph bustenholten!"
2) You are driving around a roundabout when a car suddenly swerves in front of you causing you to brake sharply. How do you react?
a) Drive on, perhaps tutting under your breath.
b) Beep your horn at the offending motorist to let him know you're annoyed.
c) Screech to a halt diagonally across the front of the other car, leap out and bang your fists repeatedly on his bonnet shouting, "Barstardo! Barstardo! Mamma Mia! Barstardo!"
3) You are walking along the pavement when a rather attractive looking woman passes by. Do you:
a) Looks away modestly, perhaps blushing slightly.
b) Smile and maybe say, "Hello".
c) Smear a tub of Brylcream all over your head, pinch her bottom then proceed to follow her around for half an hour, together with twenty of your mates, all riding pathetic little scooters, making a variety of crude and suggestive remarks.
4) You're busy at work when suddenly you realise it is 12o'clock. What do you do?
a) Have lunch, read the paper, then return to work 45 minutes later.
b) Ignore the time and keep working until you've finished the task at hand.
c) Sit down under a tree and go to sleep for six hours.
5) You're on holiday on a beach when you see a rather old and weary donkey giving rides to children. What would you do?
a) Pay no attention. It's a fairly common sight.
b) Pat the donkey on the head and offer it a lump of sugar.
c) Goad it with a stick, then get 50 of your friends to jump up and down in its back until it falls over and dies. Then go to sleep for six hours.
6) You wake up in the middle of the night feeling a bit peckish. Do you:
a) Roll over and go back to sleep.
b) Pop down to the kitchen for a quick cup of tea and a biscuit.
c) Phone twenty of your friends and invite them to come round and spend the next five hours eating snails, frogs, onions and garlic, smoking Gitane and drinking 48 litres of wine.
7) You arrive at work first thing in the morning. What is the first thing you do?
a) Start the day's work straight away.
b) Sit in the loo for twenty minutes reading the paper.
c) Spend three hours shaking hands with your colleagues, hugging them and kissing them on both cheeks as though you have not seen them for twenty years.
8) You admire your neighbours' lawn, which is particularly well kept. Which if the following would you do?
a) Nothing you are quite happy with you own patch of grass.
b) Ask his advice to enable your lawn to look as good as his.
c) After promising him you won't, move your garden fence into his land making his lawn part of yours. If he complains, shoot him.
9) You are walking down the street when you see an old lady being mugged by two youths. Would you:
a) Wade in without any regard to your own safety and try to fight the youth off.
b) Run to the nearest phone box to call the police.
c) Ignore the fracas completely, declare you neutrality by waving a little white flag above your head, then scarper back to your underground nuclear bomb shelter and try to work out how much money you've made by selling vastly overpriced timepieces and multipurpose folding knives.
10) Your local football team has won a game. How would you celebrate? Would you:
a) Go down to the pub and have a few pints with your friends.
b) Just stay at home. You aren't interested in football.
c) Drive around in circles in a stupid little twenty year old Fiat with six people on the roof, screaming Ole' Ole' Ole' Ole' at the top of your voice, waving your arms out of the windows and honking the bloody horn all night.

Clearly is you are a true European you would have answered 'c' to all of the above.
This is what we want in Europe:
1) Swiss salary
2) Luxembourg taxes
3) German car
4) British home
5) Spanish girls
6) French wine
7) Italian food
8) Belgian beer
9) Austrian mountains
10) Danish administration

And this is the EC's proposal for a Europe after EMU:
1) Czech salary
2) Swedish taxes
3) Spanish car
4) Greek home
5) Irish girls
6) German wine
7) British food
8) French beer
9) Dutch mountains
10) Danish administration

Apparently, when we join the EMU, the term "spending a penny" will be replaced by "euronating".


Advice To the First Lady
First Lady Hillary Clinton and Attorney General Janet Reno were having one of those girl-to-girl talks.  Hillary says to Janet, "You're lucky that you don't have to put up with men having sex with you.   I have to put up with Bill, and there is no telling where he last had his pecker."

Janet responded. "Just because I am esthetical challenged (that's (politically correct" for ugly) doesn't mean I don't have to fight off unwelcome sexual advances."

Hillary asks, "Well how do you deal with the problem?"

Janet, "Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to make a pass at me, I muster all my might and squeeze out the loudest, nastiest, fart I can."

Well, that night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary headed for bed.  She could hear him start to stir, and knew that he would be wanting some action.  She had been saving her farts all day, and was ready for him.  She tenses up her butt cheeks and forces out the most disgusting sounding fart you could imagine.

Bill rolls over and says, "Is that you Janet?"     


Name Mistake
It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date.  He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says. "That's cool," says Bobby.

Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.

Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."

Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby - so he asks Carrie's Dad to repeat it. "Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"

Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.

About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: "DAMMIT DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"


Blond, Brunette and a Bull
A blonde and a brunette are running a ranch together in Louisiana. They decide they need a bull to mate with their cows to increase their herd. The brunette takes their life savings of $600 dollars and goes to Texas to buy a bull. She eventually meets with an old cowboy that will sell her his bull.

"It's the only one I got for $599, take it or leave it."

She buys the bull and goes to the local telegram office and says, "I'd like to send a telegram to my friend in Louisiana that says: "Have found the stud bull for our ranch, bring the trailer." 

The man behind the counter tells her, "Telegrams to anywhere in the U.S. are 75˘ per word."  

She thinks about it for a moment and decides. "I'd like to send one word, please."

"And what word would that be?" inquires the man.  

"Comfortable," replies the brunette.

The man asks, "I'm sorry miss, but how is your friend gonna understand this telegram?" 

The brunette replies, "My friend is blonde and reads REAL slow, when she gets this, she will see COM-FOR-DA-BULL."


Question - WHO IS JACK SCHITT?
At last an answer for the age-old question.

The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt. "Now you can intellectually handle the situation.

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt.

Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, a partner of Kneedeep &. Schitt Inc.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins: Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.

Noe Schitt later married Mr. Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.

Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new bride, Piza Schitt.

So now if someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them. Not only do you know Jack, you know his whole family!


Dropping In
A little old couple in their eighties was sitting on the couch watching the Playboy movie channel.   He looked at her and asked, "Do you think we can still do that?"

"Well, we can sure try!" she answered.  So they shuffled off to the bedroom.  He went into the bathroom to get ready and she took off all her clothes in the bedroom.   When he came out of the bathroom, he saw her standing on her head in the middle of the bedroom floor.

"What are you doing, sweetheart?" he asked.

"Well," she replied, "I thought if you couldn't get it up, maybe you could just drop it in!


A Short History Of Medicine:
  "Doctor, I have an ear ache."
   2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."
   1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
   1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
   1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
   1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
   2000 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial.  Here, eat this root!"


The Monkey Bar
A guy walks into a bar with a monkey. The monkey walks up to the pool table and eats one of the balls. The bartender says, 'Why did he do that?' 

The guy says, 'Oh he'll eat anything.' 

A couple of days later, the guy brings the monkey into the same bar, and the monkey picks up a peanut and shoves it up is ass, then takes it out and eats it.
The bartender says, 'Why did he do that?' 

The guy says, 'Oh he'll still eat anything, but since he ate that pool ball he checks it for fit first.' 


Pet Shop Parrot
A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store.  The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."  Well, the lady is furious!  She stormed past the store to her work.

On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."  She was incredibly ticked now.  The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."

The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird.  The store manager replied profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.  

When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady."

She paused and said, "Yes?"

The bird said, "You know."


Deodorant
The blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some bottom deodorant.  The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell bottom deodorant, and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.

"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."

"But I always get it here," says the blonde.

"Do you have the container it comes in?"

"Yes!" said the blonde, "I will go and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the chemist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."

The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container, "To apply, push up bottom."


Hung Like A Chicken
A chicken and a horse were in a field together; the horse fell into a mud hole and couldn't get out. He called out to the chicken and said 'help; help go and get the farmer I can't get out and I'm sinking in further.

The chicken runs up to the farmhouse, and tries to get the farmer but he isn't around. Being a quick thinking chick, she ran and got the farmer's Mercedes and drove it to the mud hole. She then tied a rope to the tow hook and threw it to the horse and she pulled him out with the Mercedes.  The horse was very grateful.

A week or so later the chicken fell into the very same mud hole. She called out to the horse and he came running she said 'Help! Go and get the farmer. I can't get out'. The horse then straddled over the mud hole and told the chick to hang on to the 'thingy' between his legs. She did and he managed to pull her out.

The morale of the story . . .

You don't need a Mercedes to pick up a chick... you just need to be hung like horse!!


Children
This 90-year-old man and woman decided they wanted children, so they went to the doctor to see if it was possible. The Doctor said he didn't know why they couldn't if he was still fertile. He gave the man a jar and told him he needed a semen sample.

A few days later the man returned to the doctor's office quite angry, and threw the jar against the wall, smashing it to bits! The Doctor asked him what the problem was. The man replied, Doc I tried with my left hand, I tried with my right hand, I tried with both hands. My wife tried with her left hand, she tried with her right hand, she tried with both hands. She tried with her teeth in; she tried with her teeth out! But Doc, we couldn't get that Damn lid off!!!!!


A Strange Sale
A man was walking one day, when he came to this big house in a nice neighbourhood.  Suddenly he realized there was a nude couple making love out on the lawn.  Then he noticed another couple over behind a tree.  Then another couple behind some bushes by the house.  He walked up to the door of the house and knocked.

A well-dressed woman answered the door and the man asked what kind of a place this was.  "This is a brothel," replied the madam.

"Well, what's all this out on the lawn?" queried the man.

"Oh, we're having a yard sale today."

Drunk At Xmas
John woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. 

"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?" 

"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."
 
"He's an idiot," John said. "Piss on him."

"You did", came the reply. "And he fired you."

"Well, screw him!" said John.

"I did. You're back to work on Monday"


A Quick Reply
A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror. He asks, "What are you doing?"

She replies, "I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the breasts of a 25 year old."

The husband retorts, "Well, what did he say about your 
50 year old ass?"

She replied, "Frankly dear, your name never came up."


A Christmas Poem
Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house 
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse. 
The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste 
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist. 
When I got on the scales there arose such a number! 
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber). 
I'd remember the marvellous meals I'd prepared; 
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared, 
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese 
And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please." 
As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt 
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt--- 
I said to myself, as I only can 
"You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!" 
So--away with the last of the sour cream dip, 
Get rid of the fruitcake, every cracker and chip 
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished 
"Till all the additional ounces have vanished. 
I won't have a cookie--not even a lick. 
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick. 
I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie, 
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry. 
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore--- 
But isn't that what January is for? 
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot. 
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet! 


The Blonde's Revenge
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch
a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa."

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.  The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."  This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees 
to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. Okay says the lawyer, your turn.

She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends 
e-mails to all his friends and co-workers, to no avail.

After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500. The blonde says, "Thank you", and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.