- jokes & riddles -
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jokes
here are some of the jokes that we freaks know:
what did the leper say to the prostitute?
keep the tip.
what do you call a female police officer who has shaved her groinal = area?
cunt stubble.
3 vampires walked into a bar
1st vampire asks, "can i have a pint of blood please?" as vampires tend to do, but being a nice friednly type bar which isn't really used to dealing with the undead types, unfortunately they were fresh out so the bartender said, "nope, sorry, we only gots beer and hot water ere" so the vampire grudgingly orders a beer cause hot water sounds pretty dull. so the 2nd vampire walks up and says "pint of blood please" so the barman's a bit annoyed at not putting in that last order for and he says "nope, sorry, beer and hot water only here" so the vampire takes the beer cause hot water's a bit plain really, even compared with beer. the 3rd vampire, he's a bit of a geezer and he knows what he's doing, you know, so he walks up and says "pint of blood please" and poor barman says "nope, beer and hotwater only mate" but this vampire geezer takes the hot water, much to the suprise of the barman. sothe vampire goes and sits down with his 2 mates and they say "sowhat's the deal with the hot water?" and he replies "haven't you ever heard of tea-bags?" and pulls a nicely reddened tampon from his jacket pocket.
ways to order a pizza:
*. if using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.
*. make up a charge-card name. ask if they accept it.
*. use cb lingo where applicable.
*. order a big mac extra value meal.
*. terminate the call with, "remember, we never had this conversation."
*. tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.
*. give them your address, exclaim "oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.
*. answer their questions with questions.
*. in your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.
*. use these bonus words in the conversation: robust free-spirited cost-efficient ukrainian puce.
*. tell them to put the crust on top this time.
*. sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from metallica's "master of puppets" cd. "chop your pizza on a mirror!" "master! master! put pepperoni on my pizza!" "gimme pizza! you will do what i say, when i say gimme pizza!"
*. do not name the toppings you want. rather, spell them out.
*. put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."
*. stutter on the letter "p."
*. ask for a deal available somewhere else. (if phoning domino's, ask for a cheesercheeser!)
*. ask what the order taker is wearing.
*. crack your knuckles into the receiver.
*. say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you. rattle off your order with a determined air. if they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.
*. tell the order taker you're depressed. get him/her to cheer you up.
*. make a list of exotic cuisines. order them as toppings.
*. change your accent every three seconds.
*. order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. ask if they need paper.
*. act like you know the order taker from somewhere. say "bed-wetters' camp, right?"
*. start your order with "i'd like...". a little later, slap yourself and say "no, i don't."
*. if they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "ok. that'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window."
*. rent a pizza.
*. order while using an electric knife sharpener.
*. ask if you get to keep the pizza box. when they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
*. put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." use the long "i" sound.
*. have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."
*. say "are you sure this is (pizza place)? when they say yes, say "well, so is this! you've got some explaining to do!" when they finally offer proof that it is, in fact, (pizza place), start to cry and ask, "do you know what it's like to be lied to?"
*. move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. when the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.
*. tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.
*. imitate the order taker's voice.
*. eliminate verbs from your speech.
*. when they say "what would you like?" say, "huh? oh, you mean now."
*. play a guitar in the background.
*. say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.
*. amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.
*. ask to see a menu.
*. quote carl sandberg.
*. say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.
*. ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.
*. ask what topping goes best with well-aged chardonnay.
*. belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.
*. order a slice, not a whole pizza.
*. shout "i'm through with men/women! send me a dozen of your best, gaston!"
*. doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say "where was i? who are you?"
*. psychoanalyze the order taker.
*. ask what their phone number is. hang up, call them, and ask again.
*. order two toppings, then say, "no, they'll start fighting."
*. learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a twinkie. ask that these be included.
*. call to complain about service. later, call to say you were drunk and didn't mean it.
*. tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he's fired.
*. report a petty theft to the order taker.
*. use expletives like "great caesar's ghost" and "jesus joseph and mary in tinsel town."
*. ask for the guy who took your order last time.
*. if he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "i shall not be swayed by your sweet words."
*. wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.
*. try to talk while drinking something.
*. start the conversation with "my call to (pizza place), take 1, and... action!"
*. ask if the pizza is organically grown.
*. ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
*. be vague in your order.
*. when they repeat your order, say "again, with a little more oomph this time."
*. if using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.
*. after ordering, say "i wonder what this button on the phone does." simulate a cutoff.
*. start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "this may be my last entry."
*. state your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get.
*. ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." make up a description to go with the term. ask that this be done to your pizza.
*. say "kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. ask if they felt that.
*. detect the order taker's psychic aura. use it to your advantage.
*. when listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.
*. learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. stop talking at regular intervals to play it.
*. ask if they would like to sample your pizza. suggest an even trade.
*. perfect a celebrity's voice. stress that you won't take any crap from some two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.
*. put them on hold.
*. teach the order taker a secret code. use the code on all subsequent orders.
*. mumble, "there's a bomb under your seat." when asked to repeat that, say, "i said 'sauce smothered with meat'."
*. make the first topping you order mushrooms. make the last thing you say "no mushrooms, please." hang up before they have a chance to respond.
*. when the order is repeated, change it slightly. when it is repeated again, change it again. on the third time, say "you just don't get it, do you?"
*. when you're given the price, say "ooooooo, that sounds complicated. i hate math."
*. haggle.
*. order a one-inch pizza.
*. order term life insurance.
*. when they say "will that be all?", snicker and say "we'll find out, won't we?"
*. order with a speak-n-spell where applicable.
*. ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.
*. while on the phone, fake click here!ing puberty. fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.
*. engage in some serious swapping.
*. dance all around the word "pizza." avoid saying it at all costs. if he/she says it, say "please don't mention that word."
*. have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. yell "ow!" when a bullet is fired.
*. if he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.
*. ask if the pizza has had its shots.
*. order a steamed pizza.
*. get taker's name. later, call exactly on the hour to say, "this is your (time of day) wake- up call, so-and-so." hang up.
*. offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging. if any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker, say, in your best pouty voice, "last guy let me do it."
three guys were sitting in a bar. the first guy said, "my wife is so dumb, she carries a garage-door clicker in her car and we don't even have an automatic garage door." the second guy said, "my wife is so dumb, she has a cellular phone antenna on her car and she doesn't even have a cellular phone." "the third guy said, "my wife is so dumb, she carries a purseful of condoms, and she doesn't even have a cock."
the new american ambassador was being entertained by an african diplomat. they'd spent the day discussing what the country had received from the russians before the new government kicked them out. "the russians built us a power plant, a highway, and an airport. plus we learned to drink vodka and play russian roulette." the american frowned. "russian roulette's a crap game." the diplomat smiled. "that's why we developed african roulette. if you want to have good relations with our country, you'll have to play. i'ii show you how." he pushed a buzzer, and a moment later six beautiful, nude women were ushered in. "you can choose any one of those women to give you a blow job," he told the american. "that's great," the ambassador said. "that doesn't seem much like russian roulette." "oh, it is. one of them is a cannibal."
a fat bloke was reading the paper one day lamenting the fact that his doctor has ordered him to lose 75 pounds. next thing he sees is an advertisement for a "guaranteed" weight loss program. "guaranteed like hell" he thinks to himself. "but let's see what they think they can do. he calls them on the phone and subscribes to the 3-day, 10-pound weight loss program. the next day there comes a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 19-year-old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of nike's and a sign hanging around her neck. she introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. the sign reads, "if you can catch me, you can fuck me." well, without a second thought he takes off after her. a few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and shags her. after they are through, he thinks to himself, "i like the way this company does business." for the next two days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time. on the fourth day, he weighs himself, and sure enough he has lost 10 pounds. deciding that he likes his somewhat slender physique, not to mention the method of "treatment," he calls the company back and subscribes to their 5-day, 20-pound weight loss program. he thinks that losing 20 pounds in only 5 days seems like a lot, but he is intrigued by what their "workout" schedule might be like this time. as expected, the next day there comes a knock at his door. when he answers it, there stands a 22 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of reebok's and a sign around her neck. she is simply stunning and the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. she introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. the sign reads "if you can catch me, you can fuck me." he's out the door like a shot. this girl is in excellent shape and it takes a while to catch her. but when he does it is worth every cramp and wheeze. he is really looking forward to the next four days.... for the next four days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time, much to his delight. on the sixth day, he weighs himself and, unbelievably, he has lost another 20 pounds. "i love this company," he thinks to himself, "i never knew losing weight could be so easy and so much fun!" feeling much better about himself, he decides to go for broke and subscribe to the company's 7-day, 50-pound weight loss program. "are you sure, sir?" asks the representative on the phone. "this is our most rigorous program." "absolutely," he says, "i love your program. i haven't felt this good in years!" the next day there comes a knock at his door and he enthusiastically answers it. there stands before him a 200-pound perfect specimen of a man dressed in nothing but racing spikes and a sign around his neck. he introduces himself as a representative of the weight loss company. the sign reads, "if i can catch you, i can fuck you."
a couple returned from their honeymoon and it's obvious to everyone that they are not talking to each other. the groom's best man takes him aside and asks what is wrong. "well," replied the man "when we had finished fucking on the first night, as i got up to go to the bathroom i put a £50 note on the pillow without thinking." "oh, you shouldn't worry about that too much," said his friend. "i'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough - she can't expect you to have been saving yourself all these years!" the groom nodded gently and said, "i don't know if i can get over this though. she gave me £20 change!"
a couple married thirty years were revisiting the same places they went to on their honeymoon. driving through the secluded countryside, they passed a ranch with a tall deer fence running along the road. the woman said, "sweetheart, let's do the same thing we did here thirty years ago." the guy stopped the car. his wife backed against the fence, and they shagged like never before. back in the car, the guy says, "darling, you sure never moved like that thirty years ago, or any time since that i can remember!" the woman says, "thirty years ago that fence wasn't electrified!"
did you hear about the bloke that was talking to his mate, and he said, "i don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so i'm stuck." his mate said, "i have an idea. why don't give her a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. she'll probably be thrilled!" so the bloke did just that. the next day his mate asked, "well, did you take my suggestion? how'd it turn out?" "she loved it. she jumped up, thanked me, kissed me, and ran out the door yelling-i'll see you in two hours!"
a married man thought he would give his wife a birthday surprise by buying her a bra. he entered a ladies shop rather intimidated, but the girls took charge to help him. "what color?" they asked. he settled for white. "how much does it cost?" he asked. "twenty pounds." "very good," he thought. all that remained was the size, but he hadn't the faintest idea. "now sir, are they the size a pair of melons? coconuts? grape fruits? oranges?" "no," he said, "nothing like that." "come on, sir, think. there must be something your wife's bust resembles." he thought long and hard and then looked up and said, "have you ever seen a spaniel's ears?"
a guy goes to a doctor and says, "doc, you've got to help me. my cock is orange." the doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can check. damned if the guy's penis isn't orange! doc tells the guy, "this is very strange. sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person's life." probing as to the causes of possible stress, the doc asks the guy, "how are things going at work?" the guy responds that he was fired about six weeks ago. the doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the stress. the guy responds, "no. the boss was a real arsehole, i had to work 20-30 hours of overtime every week and i had no say in anything that was happening. i found a new job a couple of weeks ago where i can set my own hours, i'm getting paid double what i got on the old job, and the boss is a really great guy." so the doc figures this isn't the reason. he asks the guy, "how's your home life?" the guy says, "well, i got divorced about eight months ago." the doc figures that this has got to be the reason for all of the guys stress. but the guy says, "no. for years, all i listened to was nag, nag, nag. christ, am i glad to be rid of that old bitch!" so the doc takes a few minutes to think a little longer. he inquires, "do you have any hobbies or a social life?" the guy replies, "no, not really. most nights i just sit at home, watch some porn films and eat cheetos!!"
a man goes to the doctors and says, "doctor, i've got this problem you see, only you've got to promise not to laugh". the doctor replies, "of course i won't laugh! that would be thoroughly unprofessional. in over twenty years of being a doctor i've never laughed at a patient." "ok then," says the man, and he drops his trousers. the doctor is greeted by the sight of the tiniest penis he has ever seen in his life. despite his best efforts, he begins laughing, softly at first, then uncontrollably. several minutes later he manages to compose himself and wipes the tears from his eyes. "i'm so sorry," he says to the patient, "i don't know what came over me, i won't let it happen again. now what seems to be the problem? the man looks up at the doctor with sad eyes and says, "it's swollen."
one day, the lord came to adam to pass on some news. "i've got some good news and some bad news," the lord said. adam looked at the lord and said, "well, give me the good news first." smiling, the lord explained, "i've got two new organs for you. one is called a brain. it will allow you to create new things, solve problems, and have intelligent conversations with eve."the other organ i have for you is called a penis. it will give you great physical pleasure and allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children." adam, very excited, exclaimed, "these are great gifts that you have given to me. what could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?" the lord looked upon adam and said with great sorrow, ........... "you will never be able to use these two gifts at the same time."
a married couple sleepily awoke one saturday morning. the wife rolled over and inquired, "are you going to mow the lawns today?" the husband replied, "who do i look like - jim's mowing?" not being quick to give up, she continued, "how about mending the tv aerial then?" "who do i look like the antenna man?" he sarcastically replied again. she sighed, and he got up and went off to his golf game. when he returned home, the antenna was fixed and the lawn mowed. "who the hell did this?" the husband asked, flabbergasted. "the antenna man and jim's mowing" the wife replied, smiling smugly. "how did you afford it?" the husband inquired, becoming nervous. "well, they said i could either bake them each a pie or give them a blow-job." said the wife. "so what sort of pies did you bake?" the husband continued, a little more relieved. the wife replied, "who do i look like - sara lee?"
a guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan. he says, "what was that for?" she says, "i found a piece of paper in your pocket with 'alicia' written on it." he says, "jesus, honey...remember last week when i went to the track? 'alicia' was the name of the horse i went there to bet on." she shrugs and walks away. three days later he's reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks! him on the back of the head with the frying pan again. he says, "what was that for?" she says, "your horse called."
a couple's having dinner in a restaurant when their waitress, standing a few tables away, watches as the guy slides all the way down his chair and out of sight. the woman across from him seems to not notice. the waitress comes over and says, "excuse me, ma'am, is your husband alright? i think he just slid under the table." the woman says, "no, he just walked in the door."
a man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles...the salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him. he answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. she directs him down the correct aisle. a few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. she says, confused, "sir, i thought you were looking for tampons for your wife?". he answers, "you see, it's like this. yesterday, i sent my wife to the store to get me a packet of cigarettes and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling paper. so, i figure that if i have to roll my own, so does she!"
a lady was walking along the beach and finds a genie's lamp. she rubs the lamp.. and behold - a genie appears... the genie tells the lady that she is the 6th person to rub his lamp that morning and he would only grant her one wish... so the lady thinks for a bit.. and then says "well.. i have never been to hawaii.. however, i get sea sick on boats and i am scared of flying. so genie.. i wish for a bridge to hawaii." the genie.. face aghast.. says "do you have any idea what you are asking for??? - all the concrete.. the steel.. the engineering.... no!!.. i just can't grant it.. it's too much. but... you are still allowed a wish" the lady thinks for a while and then goes "well.. my husband says i don't understand him.. and all 5 of my ex-husbands said the same.. so genie.. i want to know what makes a man tick.. what motivates him, how he feels deep inside, how his mind works....." the genie sighs... and says "would you like that bridge 2 laned or 4?"
a journalist had done a story on gender roles in kuwait several years before the gulf war, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands. she returned to kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives. she approached one couple for an explanation. "this is marvellous !" said the journalist. "what enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles since the last time i was here ?" replied the kuwaiti man: "land mines!"
some first year college kids are sitting under a tree at their beautiful state university talking about their classes. says one young woman, "i can't believe it. my calculus course has to be the hardest course in the world." "get over yourself," says her girlfriend. "you should try my theoretical physics class." "you have got to be joking," says a bloke there on a football scholarship. "you call that stuff hard? you should try my class. have you ever heard of something called subtraction?"
a young woman in a really skimpy skirt is at the bus stop. when the bus arrives and the doors open, she tries to climb the steps. however, her skirt is too tight and her legs can't move. so she reaches behind her and undoes her zip a little. she tries to step up again, and still can't, so she reaches behind again and plays with the zip some more. she tries to climb the steps again -- still no luck. so as she's reaching behind again, a pair of strong hands pick her up and place her on the top step. "what do you think you're doing?!" she indignantly asks the guy behind her. "well, i figured, by the second time you undid my flys we were at least good friends!"
a rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. she gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. when he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. when he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy. "are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "actually, no" he replies. "can you get him for me? - i need to speak to him." she says, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair. "i'm afraid i can't" breathes the barman - clearly in trouble. "is there anything i can do?" "yes there is. i need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."
a guy in a ski mask bursts into a sperm bank with a shotgun. "open the fucking safe" he yells at the girl behind the counter. "but we're not a real bank" she replies, "we don't have any money, this is a sperm bank." "don't argue, open the fucking safe or i'll blow your head off" says the guy with the gun. she obliges and once she's opened the safe door the guy says "take out one of the bottles and drink it." "but it's full `of sperm!" she replies nervously. "don't argue, just drink," it he says. she pulls the cap off and gulps it down. "take out another one and drink it too," he demands. she takes out another and drinks it as well. suddenly the guy pulls off the ski mask and to the girl's amazement it's her husband. "there," he says "it's not that fucking difficult is it?"
a young couple are on their way to las vegas to get married. before getting there, the girl says to the guy that she has a confession to make; the reason that they have not been intimate is because she is very flat chested. if the guy wishes to cancel the wedding, it is okay with her. the guy thought about it for a while and said he does not mind she is flat because sex is not the most important thing in a marriage. several miles down the road, the guy turns to the girl and says that he also wanted to make a confession. he said that below his waist, he's built just like a baby. if the girl wanted to cancel the wedding, it is okay with him. the girl thought about it for a while and said that she does not mind, because she also believed there are other things far more important than sex in a marriage. they were happy that they were so honest with each other and continue to las vegas where they were married. in their motel on the wedding night, the girl took off her clothes... sure enough, she is as flat as a washboard. then, finally, the guy takes off his clothes. after one glance at the guy's naked body, the girl fainted dead away and fell to the floor. after she regained her senses, the guy asked; "what's the matter, i told you before we got married; why did you faint?" the girl replied, " you told me it was just like a baby." the guy responded; " yes, that's right: 8 pounds and 21 inches!"
a guy named bob receives a free ticket to the super bowl from his company. unfortunately, when bob arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium - he's closer to the goodyear blimp than the field. about halfway through the first quarter, bob notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field, right on the 50 yard line. he decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat. as he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" the man says no. now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, bob again inquires of the man next to him, "this is incredible! who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the superbowl and not use it?" the man replies, "well, actually, the seat belongs to me, i was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. this is the first super bowl we haven't been together at since we got married in 1967." "well, that's really sad," says bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? a relative or close friend?" "no," the man replies, "they're all at the funeral."
these two guys lived on the street and had just spent the last of their money. they figured the only thing they needed to stay alive was beer, but they needed a plan to get some. one guy(lets call him sam) came up with the idea they could go in the bar, have a beer, and before the waiter asked them for money, the other guy(he's bob) would take a hot dog and stick it in his pants while sam got on his knees and sucked it. that way they would be thrown out without paying. this worked for several bars until sam complained his knees were getting sore. "you're telling me", said bob, "my dick is sore." "what do you mean"said sam? "yeah," bob said,"i lost the hot dog about five bars back."
a man accidentlly elbows a woman in a hotel lobby while trying to get to the clerk to ask a question. startled, the man turns to the woman and says, "ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, i'm sure you will forgive me..." she replies, "if your cock is as hard as your elbow, i'm in room 436."
three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newly-wed couple wanted to join a church. the priest said, "we have special requirements for new parishioners. you must abstain from having sex for two weeks." the couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. the pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" the old man replied, "no problem at all, priest." "congratulations! welcome to the church!" said the priest. the priest went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" the middle-aged man replied, "the first week was not too bad. the second week i had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yep we made it." "congratulations! welcome to the church," said the priest. the priest then went to the newly-wed couple and asked, "well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?" "no pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly. "what happened?" inquired the priest . "my wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it" said the young man. "when she bent over to pick it up, i was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there." "you understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church" stated the priest. "we know," said the young man. "we're not welcome at the supermarket anymore either"
two guys and a woman were sitting at a bar talking about themselves. the first guy says, "i'm a yuppie...you know...young, urban, professional." the second guy says, "i'm a dink...you know...double income, no kids." they asked the woman, "and you?" she replied, "i'm a wife...you know... wash, iron, fuck, etc."
a guy walks into the doctor's office and says, "dddddoc, i've bbbeen stuttterrrering for yeeears, and iiii'm tired of it. caaaan yoooou hellllp me?" the doc says, "well, i'll have to examine you to see what's going on." so he examines him, and says, "well i think i know what the problem is." the guy asks, "weeell wwwhat is it, dddoc? the doctor replies, "well, it's your penis, it's about a foot long and all the down pressure is putting strain on your vocal cords." the guy asks, "wwwhaat caaan we dddo?" the doctor says, "well, i can cut it off and transplant a shorter one." the guy replies, "dddddoooo it!" the guy has the operation and three weeks later, he comes back into the doctor's office and says, "doc, you solved the problem and i don't stutter anymore, but i've only had sex once in the past three weeks. my wife doesn't like it anymore. she liked it with my long one. i don't care if i have to stutter, i want you to put my long one back on." the doctor says, "nnnnope.....aaaa ddddeal's aaa dddddeal!!!
a wife went in to see a therapist and said, "i've got a big problem doctor." every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell." "my dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. i don't see what the problem is." "the problem is," she complained, "it wakes me up."
these three women were roommates. one night they all had all gone out on dates and all came home at about the same time. the blonde said, "you know you've been on a good date when you come home with your hair all messed up." the brunette said, "no, you know you've been on a good date when you come home with your makeup all smeared." the redhead said nothing, but reached under her skirt, removed her panties and threw them against the wall, where they stuck. she said, "now that's a good date!"
a frenchman and an italian were seated next to an englishman on an overseas flight. after a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives. "last night, i made love to my wife four times," the frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crÈpes and she told me how much she adored me." "ah, last night i made love to my wife six times," the italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omeletto and told me she could never love another man." when the englishman remained silent, the frenchman smugly asked, "and how many times did you make love to your wife last night?" "once," he replied. "only once?" the italian arrogantly snorted. "and what did she say to you this morning?" "don't stop."
a young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. one evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says, "mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four." instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return. this time the husband crosses his fingers and says, "mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!" again, there's a bright flash... and his legs fall off.
a frustrated wife decided her sex life needed spicing up. after work, she went shopping and picked up a pair of crotchless panties. she went home and donned the new garment, then selected a short skirt to go with it. she greeted her husband when he came home from work and sat across from him as they had a drink. she slowly spread her legs. "honey, would you like some of this?" she asked enticingly. "hell no!" he gasped, "look what it's done to your underwear!"
at the card shop: a woman was spending a long time looking at the cards, finally shaking her head, "no." a clerk came over and asked, "may i help you?" "i don't know," said the woman. "do you have any 'sorry i laughed at your dick' cards?"
bob's greatest achievement was his brood of six children. in fact, he was so proud of himself that he started calling his wife "mother of six", despite her continual objections. one night at a cocktail party, bob decided it was time to go home and shouted across the room, "shall we go home, mother of six?" his irritated wife hollered back, "any time you're ready, father of four."
a man walks into a supermarket and buys : 1 bar of soap 1 toothbrush 1 tube toothpaste 1 loaf of bread 1 pint of milk 1 single serving cereal 1 single serving frozen dinner the girl at the checkout looks at him and says, "you're single aren't you?" the man replies very sarcastically, "how did you guess?" she replies, "because you are so damn ugly!"
the three fastest means of communication: telephone television tell-a-woman.
a man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. a woman is driving down the same road. as they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells, "pig!!" the man immediately leans out his window and replies, "bitch!!" they each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.
a woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle. "it's for my husband," she tells the clerk. "did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk. "are you kidding?" she says. "he doesn't even know that i'm going to shoot him!"
a middle-aged guy says to his wife, "you should go bra-less." she says, "do you think my breasts are still perky enough?" he says, "no, but maybe it'd pull the wrinkles out of your face."
a man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class. the man sneezes, pulls out his penis and wipes the tip off. the woman can't believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating. a few minutes pass. the man sneezes again. he pulls out his penis and wipes the tip off. the woman is about to go nuts. she can't believe that such a rude person exists. a few more minutes pass. the man sneezes yet again. he takes his penis out and wipes the tip off. the woman has finally had enough. she turns to the man and says, "three times you've sneezed, and three times you've removed your penis from your pants to wipe it off! what the hell kind of degenerate are you?" the man replies, "i am sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am. i have a very rare condition such that when i sneeze, i have an orgasm." the woman, now feeling badly, says, "oh, i'm sorry. what are you taking for it?" the man looks at her and says, "pepper."
once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond. the frog said to the princess, "i was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. one kiss from you and i will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom, and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so." that night, while the princess dined on frogs legs, she laughed to herself and thought "i don't think so."
a man tells his wife that he's going out to buy cigarettes. when he gets to the store he finds out however , that it's closed. so the guy ends up going down to the local bar to use the vending machine. while there he had a few beer and began talking to this beautiful girl. he had a few more beer and the next thing he knew he was in this girl's apartment and having quite a pleasurable time. the next thing he knew it was 3:00 am. "oh my, god , my wife is going to kill me!" he exclaimed. "quick give me some talcum powder!" she got him some and he rubbed it all over his hands. when he got home his wife was up waiting for him and she was furious. "where the hell have you been!" he said, "well to tell you the truth, i went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and i slept with her." "let me see your hands!" she demanded. he showed his wife his powdery hands. "damn liar, you were out bowling again!"
jim: joe, i hear you just got married again.
joe: yes, for the fourth time.
jim: what happened to your first three wives?
joe: they all died, jim.
jim: how did that happen?
joe: my first wife ate poison mushrooms.
jim: how terrible! and your second?
joe: she ate poison mushrooms.
jim: and your third ate poison mushrooms too?
joe: oh, no. she died of a broken neck.
jim: i see, an accident.
joe: not exactly. she wouldn't eat her mushrooms.
brenda, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her obstetrician's office. when the exam was over, she shyly began, "my husband wants me to ask you..." "i know, i know." the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder, "i get asked that all the time. sex is fine until late in the pregnancy." "no, that's not it at all." brenda confessed. "he wants to know if i can still mow the lawn."
a man has a headache and goes to see the doctor. the doctor says "i have bad news and good news. the bad news is that you have a brain tumor. the good news is that we can do a brain transplant, and we have just admitted a couple who was in a car accident. we can get you one of their brains. the male brain will cost your insurance company £100,000, and the female brain will cost £30,000." the man says "i hate to be rude, but why does the male brain cost so much more than the female brain?" the doctor replies "because the male brain has never been used."
a while back there was an opening in the cia for an assassin. these highly classified positions are extremely difficult to fill, requiring an extensive background check, training and testing before candidates are even considered for the position. after reviewing several applicants and completing all the checks and training, the field was narrowed to the three most promising candidates. the day came for the final test, which would determine which of equally qualified candidates would get the job. the final candidates consisted of two men and one woman. the men administering the test took the first candidate, a man, down a corridor to a closed door and handed him a gun saying, "we must be completely assured that you will complete your assignments and follow instructions regardless of the circumstances. inside this room you will find your wife, seated in a chair. take this gun and kill her." the man, looking completely shocked said, "you can't be serious! i could never kill my wife." the cia man said, "well, then, you're obviously not the man for the job. take your wife and go home." they brought the next candidate in, the other man, and repeated the instructions. this man took the gun, walked into the room and closed the door. however, after five minutes of silence, the door opened and the man handed the cia tester the gun, saying, "i just couldn't do it. i couldn't kill my wife. i tried to pull the trigger but i just couldn't do it." the cia man said, "well, then, you're obviously not the man for the job. take your wife and go home." then they brought the woman down the corridor to the closed door, handed her a gun, and said, "we must be completely assured that you will complete your assignments and follow instructions regardless of the circumstances. inside this room you will find your husband, seated in a chair. take this gun and kill him." the woman took the gun, walked into the room, and before the door closed all the way the cia men heard the gun start firing. one shot after another, for thirteen shots, the noise continued. then all hell broke loose. for the next several minutes the men heard screaming, cursing, furniture crashing and banging on the walls; then suddenly, silence. the door opened slowly and there stood the woman. she wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "you guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! i had to beat him to death with the chair!"
bill's all excited about his new rifle. so, he goes bear hunting in alaska. the first bear he sees is a little brown bear, and he kills it with his first shot. there is a tap on his shoulder,and he turns around to see a big black bear. the black bear says "you've got 2 choices. one, i maul you to death or two, we have sex." bill bends over for the bear. he's sore for 2 days, but he recovers and vows revenge. bill heads out on another trip to alaska and he finds the black bear and kills him. at that moment there is a tap on his shoulder. a huge grizzly is standing right behind him. the grizzly says, "that was a big mistake. you've got 2 choices, "either i maul you to death or we have sex." bill bends over. he survives, but he's really hurting and takes quite a bit of time to recover, and, he's outraged. sure enough, he heads back to alaska and finds the grizzly and shoots him at point blank range. there's a tap on his shoulder. he turns around to find an enormous polar bear, and the polar bear says "you don't really come here for the hunting, do you?"
a young couple, just married, were in the honeymoon suite on their wedding night. as they undressed for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "here put these on." she did, and found that the waist was twice the size of her body. "i can't wear your pants," she said. "that's right!", said the husband, "and don't you forget it! i'm the man who wears the pants in this family." she looked at him, then flipped him her panties and said, "try these on." with growing excitement he tried them on, just to find he could only get them on as far as his kneecap. he said, "heck, i can't get into your panties!" she said, "that's right - and that's the way it's going to stay until your sodding attitude changes!"
an office manager was sent three secretaries, equally qualified, to fill one vacancy. "well," thought the manager, "i'll give them an honesty test to determine which secretary to keep." to this end, he gave each secretary a money bag to take and bank telling them that there was $50 in the bag. (in fact, he had placed $100 in each bag; thus the honesty test.) the first secretary goes to the bank, discovers the extra money, banks $50 and returns the extra $50 to the manager. the second secretary goes to the bank, discovers the extra money, banks the full $100, and returns with a deposit slip as proof. the third secretary goes to the bank, discovers the extra money, banks $50, goes to the local tab and uses the $50 to win $300, then returns, explains to the manager and gives him the all the money. question: which secretary does the manager select to retain? answer: the one with the biggest tits!
a woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. after the check-up, the doctor took the wife aside and said, "if you don't do the following, your husband will surely die". 1.each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood. 2.at lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work. 3.for dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don't burden him with household chores. 4.have sex with him several times a week and satisfy his every whim. on the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor had told her. "you're going to die," she replied.
two girls are having coffee when one notices that the other girl seems troubled and asks her, "is something bugging you? you look anxious." "well, my boyfriend just lost all his money and life savings in the stock market," she explained. "oh, that's too bad," the other girl sympathized. "i'm sure you're feeling sorry for him." "yeah, i am," she said. "he'll miss me."
a man traveling by plane and in urgent need to use the mens room is nervously tapping his foot on the floor of the aircraft. each time he tried the mensroom door, it was "occupied". the stewardess, aware of his predicament suggested that he go ahead and use the ladies room, but cautioned him against using any of the buttons inside. the buttons were marked "ww, wa, pp and atr". making the mistake that so many men make in disregarding the importance of what a woman says, the man let his curiosity get the best of him and decided to try the buttons anyway. he carefully pressed the first button marked "ww" and immedately warm water sprayed all over his entire bottom. he thought, "wow, the women really have it made!". still curious, he pressed the button marked "wa" and a gentle breeze of warm air quickly dried his hind quarters. he thought that was out of this world! the button marked "pp" yielded a large powder puff which delicately applied a soft talc to his rear. well, naturally he couldn't resist the last button marked "atr". when he woke up in the hospital he paniced and buzzed for the nurse. when she appeared, he cried out, "what happened to me?! the last thing i remember is i was in the ladies room on a business trip!" the nurse replied, "yes, you were having a great time until you pressed the "atr" button which stands for automatic tampon remover... your penis is under your pillow!"
two men are playing golf when a funeral procession passes by on the street next to the green. one of the men takes off his hat and holds it over his heart. when the procession has passed, the other man says, "that was a nice gesture." "well," the first guy says, "after twenty years of marriage, it was the least i could do for her."
little johnny and jane are playing in the garden when they start having an argument about whether boys are better than girls. after a while johnny stands up and pulls down his shorts saying 'boys are better than girls 'cos you haven't got one of these!!'. jane looks at him in astonishment as she knows that she hasn't got one of those between her legs. she bursts out crying and rushes inside to her mother. a little while later she comes back out with a big smile on her face. 'my mum says girls are better than boys', she says. 'no they're not.' says johnny pulling down his shorts, 'you haven't got one of these!'. jane looks at him, then raises her skirt, pulls down her panties and says 'my mum says that as long as i've got one of these, i can have as many of those as i want!!'
the brash young gynecologist, fresh out of medical school, took one look at his voluptuous new patient and abandoned his professional ethics entirely. as he stroked the supple skin of her naked body, he asked, "do you understand what i am doing?" "yes," the patient answered. "you're checking for dermatological abrasions." "correct," the doctor lied. next, he fondled her breasts long and lovingly. again, he inquired, "do you understand what i am doing?" "you're feeling for cancerous lumps," she ventured. "very astute," the doctor complimented, getting more excited. he placed the woman's feet in stirrups, dropped his pants, and slipped his member inside her. "and do you understand what i am doing now?" "all too well," the patient shot back. "you're contracting herpes."
a 75-year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. the doctor gave the man a jar and said, "take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow." the next day, the 75-year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day. the doctor asks what happened, and the man explains, "well, doc, it's like this. first i tried with my right hand, but nothing. then i tried with my left hand, but nothing. then i asked my wife for help. she tried with her right hand, but nothing. then her left, but nothing. she even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing." the doctor was shocked. "you asked your neighbour?" the old man replied, "yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get the damn jar open!"
eleven reasons why e-mail is like a cock: 1. some folks have it, some don't. 2. those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off. 3. those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior. 4. those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it. 5. many of those who don't have it would like to try it (e-mail envy). 6. it can be up or down. it's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done. 7. in the long distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species. some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time. 8. if you don't apply the appropriate measures, it can spread viruses. 9. if you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently. 10.we attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant. 11.if you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble.
the smiths were shown into the dentist's office, where mr smith made it clear he was in a big hurry. "no fancy stuff, doctor," he ordered, "no gas or needles or any of that stuff. just pull the tooth and get it over with." "i wish more of my patients were as brave as you," said the dentist admiringly. "now, which tooth is it?" mr. smith turned to his wife "show him , honey."
an escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. as soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "honey, this guy hasn t seen a woman in years. just cooperate with anything he wants. if he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. our lives depend on it." "dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "i'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you are really cute!"
and it came to pass that the lord called to adam and said, "it is time for you and eve to begin the process of populating the earth so i want you to kiss her." adam answered, "yes lord, but what is a 'kiss?'" the lord gave a brief description to adam who took eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush. a few minutes later, adam emerged and said, "thank you lord, that was enjoyable." the lord replied, "yes adam, i thought you might enjoy that and now i'd like for you to caress eve." again, adam had to ask, "what is a 'caress?'" again, the lord gave adam a brief description and adam went behind the bush with eve. quite a few minutes later, adam returned...smiling, and said, "lord, that was even better than the kiss." the lord said, "you've done well adam. now i want you to make love to eve." of course adam had to ask, "what is 'make love' lord?'" and again, the lord gave adam directions to which adam went straight away to eve, behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in two seconds asking... "lord, what is a 'headache?'"
a husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their wedding anniversary. the husband decides to give his wife a gift, a tombstone, with the inscription: "here lies my wife.....cold as ever" later the furious wife bought a return present, a tombstone with the inscription: "here lies my husband.....stiff at last"
what do blondes and turtles have in common?
once they're on their back they're fucked
what do you call a blond with one braincell? gifted.
what do you call a blond with two braincells? pregnant.
what is green and smells of bacon?
kermet the frogs finger.
what's the definition of making love?
it's what a woman does while a man's screwing her.
what do performing cunnilingus and being in the mafia have in common?
one slip of the tongue and you're in the shit.
which of the following doesn't belong: wife, meat, eggs, blowjob.
the blowjob. you can beat your wife, your eggs or your meat but you can't beat a blowjob.
how do you know if you have a high sperm count?
your date has to chew before she swallows.
there was an englishman an irishman and a scotsman and they come across a cave with a table with a five pound note on the englishman goes up to the table and is about to pick up the note when this voice comes out of the cave "this is the ghost of aunty mable that five pound note stays on the table" the englishman runs out of the cave, then the irishman goes in the cave and is about to pick up the note when this voice comes out of the cave "this is the ghost of aunty mable that five pound note stays on the table" the irishman runs out of the cave, then the scotsman goes into the cave and is about to pick up the note when this voice comes out of the cave "this is the ghost of aunty mable that five pound note stays on the table" the scotsman says "this is the voice of davy crockett, that five pound note goes in my pocket"
there was an englishman an irishman and a scotsman on top of a magic slide which whatever you yell when you go down you land in, the scotsman yells "guiness" and so he landed in guiness, the englishman yells "vodka" and so he landed in vodka, the irishman forgot that he was supposed to yell what he wanted to land in and so he just yelled "weee"
what do you call two pakis in a sleeping bag
twix
what do you call lots of pakis in a swimming pool
coco pops
what do you call one paki on the moon
problem
what do you call two paksi on the moon
problem
what do you call three pakis on the moon
problem
what do you call all the pakis on the moon
problem solved
how do you get 100 pakis in a phone box
lob in a can of baked beans
how do you get them out again
use a tin opener
there was a see through thing lying in the middle of the road, it was a paki with the shit kicked out of him
why did the woman cross the road?
more to the point why was she out of the kitchen
why have women never been to the moon
because it doesn't need cleaning yet
why do women never go to ski ramps
because there's no ski ramp between the bedroom and the kitchen
what do you do if the dishwasher breaks down
slap her
women can drive in a straight line, its the road that moves from side to side
trees are funny things they stay in the same place for thousand's of years then suddenly jump out in front of women drivers
a man walks into a bar, ouch....a irishman walks into a pub, ouch
a man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder he orders a pint then the barman asks him "is that your newt on your shoulder?" the man replies "yes it is my newt" the man sits down to drink his pint then a few minutes later the barman comes up to him again and asks him "is that really your newt on your shoulder?" the man replies "yes it is my newt" the bar man asks him what the newts name is he replies "tiny", "whys that asks the barman i mean he is quite big for a newt" "well" replied the man " that's because he's my newt (minute)
a horse walks into a bar and says to the barman "can i have a pint of beer please "certainly" says the barman "but why the long face"
a bear walks into a bar and says to the barman "can i have a"(the bear pauses before continuing)" beer please" "certainly" says the barman "but why the big paws (pause)"
a man walks into a bar with a little piano player in a case the barman asks him "where did you get that" he replies "well i just rubbed this magic lamp and a genie came out and gave me some wishes" "can i have a go" asked the barman "certainly" said the man and gave him the lamps the bar man asked the genie for a million bucks and immediately floats down a million ducks "what happened he asked", "well" replied the man the genie's a little deaf you didn't think i asked for a 12 foot pianist did you?"
paddy and murphy walking down the road paddy falls down a hole murphy shouts dowd to paddy "is it dark down there" paddy yells back "i don't know i can't see
paddy still down the hole yells to murphy "can you go and get some help i think my leg needs some support" murphy runs to the nearest pub and gets a load of irishmen they all gather round the hole and start chanting "paddy's leg, paddy's leg paddy's leg
paddy is standing in front of murphy's car checking his lights, murphy yells to him "are my indicators working", paddy yells back "well yes no yes no yes.....
you are in charge of a firing squad you have to shoot a axe muderer and a blonde which do you shoot first?
the axe muderer, buisness before pleasure
how do you kill a blonde?
put a scratch and sniff card at the bottom of a swimming pool
a blonde girl and a normal girl are about to jump off a cliff, which one jumps off first?
the normal girl the blonde has to ask for directions
how can you tell whether a blonde's been using your computer
there's tippex all over the screen
how can you tell whether another blonde's been using your computer
there's writing on the tippex
'two elephants fell off a cliff, boom boom'
'three elephants fell off a cliff, boom boom tsch, one landed in the sea!'
they work when you say them out loud ok?!?
if brevity [briefness] is the soul of wit, your penis must be a riot!
what do you do when you've had a baby?
put it's nappy back on (yes, it's a bad one, i know)
what's big, silver and fits into a small ring?
gary glitter
two nuns driving through transylvania when a vampire jumps into the road. one nun says "quick show him your cross". so the other nun winds down her window and yells, "get out of the road you tosser"!
"what's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm?"
"i don't know, what?"
"drinking a cup of monkey spunk."
and, finally, a shitload of jokes typed in by some freak called richard drinkwater.
keep the tip.
what do you call a female police officer who has shaved her groinal = area?
cunt stubble.
3 vampires walked into a bar
1st vampire asks, "can i have a pint of blood please?" as vampires tend to do, but being a nice friednly type bar which isn't really used to dealing with the undead types, unfortunately they were fresh out so the bartender said, "nope, sorry, we only gots beer and hot water ere" so the vampire grudgingly orders a beer cause hot water sounds pretty dull. so the 2nd vampire walks up and says "pint of blood please" so the barman's a bit annoyed at not putting in that last order for and he says "nope, sorry, beer and hot water only here" so the vampire takes the beer cause hot water's a bit plain really, even compared with beer. the 3rd vampire, he's a bit of a geezer and he knows what he's doing, you know, so he walks up and says "pint of blood please" and poor barman says "nope, beer and hotwater only mate" but this vampire geezer takes the hot water, much to the suprise of the barman. sothe vampire goes and sits down with his 2 mates and they say "sowhat's the deal with the hot water?" and he replies "haven't you ever heard of tea-bags?" and pulls a nicely reddened tampon from his jacket pocket.
ways to order a pizza:
*. if using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.
*. make up a charge-card name. ask if they accept it.
*. use cb lingo where applicable.
*. order a big mac extra value meal.
*. terminate the call with, "remember, we never had this conversation."
*. tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.
*. give them your address, exclaim "oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.
*. answer their questions with questions.
*. in your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.
*. use these bonus words in the conversation: robust free-spirited cost-efficient ukrainian puce.
*. tell them to put the crust on top this time.
*. sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from metallica's "master of puppets" cd. "chop your pizza on a mirror!" "master! master! put pepperoni on my pizza!" "gimme pizza! you will do what i say, when i say gimme pizza!"
*. do not name the toppings you want. rather, spell them out.
*. put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."
*. stutter on the letter "p."
*. ask for a deal available somewhere else. (if phoning domino's, ask for a cheesercheeser!)
*. ask what the order taker is wearing.
*. crack your knuckles into the receiver.
*. say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you. rattle off your order with a determined air. if they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.
*. tell the order taker you're depressed. get him/her to cheer you up.
*. make a list of exotic cuisines. order them as toppings.
*. change your accent every three seconds.
*. order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. ask if they need paper.
*. act like you know the order taker from somewhere. say "bed-wetters' camp, right?"
*. start your order with "i'd like...". a little later, slap yourself and say "no, i don't."
*. if they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "ok. that'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window."
*. rent a pizza.
*. order while using an electric knife sharpener.
*. ask if you get to keep the pizza box. when they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
*. put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." use the long "i" sound.
*. have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."
*. say "are you sure this is (pizza place)? when they say yes, say "well, so is this! you've got some explaining to do!" when they finally offer proof that it is, in fact, (pizza place), start to cry and ask, "do you know what it's like to be lied to?"
*. move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. when the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.
*. tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.
*. imitate the order taker's voice.
*. eliminate verbs from your speech.
*. when they say "what would you like?" say, "huh? oh, you mean now."
*. play a guitar in the background.
*. say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.
*. amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.
*. ask to see a menu.
*. quote carl sandberg.
*. say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.
*. ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.
*. ask what topping goes best with well-aged chardonnay.
*. belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.
*. order a slice, not a whole pizza.
*. shout "i'm through with men/women! send me a dozen of your best, gaston!"
*. doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say "where was i? who are you?"
*. psychoanalyze the order taker.
*. ask what their phone number is. hang up, call them, and ask again.
*. order two toppings, then say, "no, they'll start fighting."
*. learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a twinkie. ask that these be included.
*. call to complain about service. later, call to say you were drunk and didn't mean it.
*. tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he's fired.
*. report a petty theft to the order taker.
*. use expletives like "great caesar's ghost" and "jesus joseph and mary in tinsel town."
*. ask for the guy who took your order last time.
*. if he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "i shall not be swayed by your sweet words."
*. wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.
*. try to talk while drinking something.
*. start the conversation with "my call to (pizza place), take 1, and... action!"
*. ask if the pizza is organically grown.
*. ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
*. be vague in your order.
*. when they repeat your order, say "again, with a little more oomph this time."
*. if using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.
*. after ordering, say "i wonder what this button on the phone does." simulate a cutoff.
*. start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "this may be my last entry."
*. state your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get.
*. ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." make up a description to go with the term. ask that this be done to your pizza.
*. say "kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. ask if they felt that.
*. detect the order taker's psychic aura. use it to your advantage.
*. when listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.
*. learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. stop talking at regular intervals to play it.
*. ask if they would like to sample your pizza. suggest an even trade.
*. perfect a celebrity's voice. stress that you won't take any crap from some two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.
*. put them on hold.
*. teach the order taker a secret code. use the code on all subsequent orders.
*. mumble, "there's a bomb under your seat." when asked to repeat that, say, "i said 'sauce smothered with meat'."
*. make the first topping you order mushrooms. make the last thing you say "no mushrooms, please." hang up before they have a chance to respond.
*. when the order is repeated, change it slightly. when it is repeated again, change it again. on the third time, say "you just don't get it, do you?"
*. when you're given the price, say "ooooooo, that sounds complicated. i hate math."
*. haggle.
*. order a one-inch pizza.
*. order term life insurance.
*. when they say "will that be all?", snicker and say "we'll find out, won't we?"
*. order with a speak-n-spell where applicable.
*. ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.
*. while on the phone, fake click here!ing puberty. fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.
*. engage in some serious swapping.
*. dance all around the word "pizza." avoid saying it at all costs. if he/she says it, say "please don't mention that word."
*. have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. yell "ow!" when a bullet is fired.
*. if he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.
*. ask if the pizza has had its shots.
*. order a steamed pizza.
*. get taker's name. later, call exactly on the hour to say, "this is your (time of day) wake- up call, so-and-so." hang up.
*. offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging. if any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker, say, in your best pouty voice, "last guy let me do it."
three guys were sitting in a bar. the first guy said, "my wife is so dumb, she carries a garage-door clicker in her car and we don't even have an automatic garage door." the second guy said, "my wife is so dumb, she has a cellular phone antenna on her car and she doesn't even have a cellular phone." "the third guy said, "my wife is so dumb, she carries a purseful of condoms, and she doesn't even have a cock."
the new american ambassador was being entertained by an african diplomat. they'd spent the day discussing what the country had received from the russians before the new government kicked them out. "the russians built us a power plant, a highway, and an airport. plus we learned to drink vodka and play russian roulette." the american frowned. "russian roulette's a crap game." the diplomat smiled. "that's why we developed african roulette. if you want to have good relations with our country, you'll have to play. i'ii show you how." he pushed a buzzer, and a moment later six beautiful, nude women were ushered in. "you can choose any one of those women to give you a blow job," he told the american. "that's great," the ambassador said. "that doesn't seem much like russian roulette." "oh, it is. one of them is a cannibal."
a fat bloke was reading the paper one day lamenting the fact that his doctor has ordered him to lose 75 pounds. next thing he sees is an advertisement for a "guaranteed" weight loss program. "guaranteed like hell" he thinks to himself. "but let's see what they think they can do. he calls them on the phone and subscribes to the 3-day, 10-pound weight loss program. the next day there comes a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 19-year-old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of nike's and a sign hanging around her neck. she introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. the sign reads, "if you can catch me, you can fuck me." well, without a second thought he takes off after her. a few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and shags her. after they are through, he thinks to himself, "i like the way this company does business." for the next two days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time. on the fourth day, he weighs himself, and sure enough he has lost 10 pounds. deciding that he likes his somewhat slender physique, not to mention the method of "treatment," he calls the company back and subscribes to their 5-day, 20-pound weight loss program. he thinks that losing 20 pounds in only 5 days seems like a lot, but he is intrigued by what their "workout" schedule might be like this time. as expected, the next day there comes a knock at his door. when he answers it, there stands a 22 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of reebok's and a sign around her neck. she is simply stunning and the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. she introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. the sign reads "if you can catch me, you can fuck me." he's out the door like a shot. this girl is in excellent shape and it takes a while to catch her. but when he does it is worth every cramp and wheeze. he is really looking forward to the next four days.... for the next four days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time, much to his delight. on the sixth day, he weighs himself and, unbelievably, he has lost another 20 pounds. "i love this company," he thinks to himself, "i never knew losing weight could be so easy and so much fun!" feeling much better about himself, he decides to go for broke and subscribe to the company's 7-day, 50-pound weight loss program. "are you sure, sir?" asks the representative on the phone. "this is our most rigorous program." "absolutely," he says, "i love your program. i haven't felt this good in years!" the next day there comes a knock at his door and he enthusiastically answers it. there stands before him a 200-pound perfect specimen of a man dressed in nothing but racing spikes and a sign around his neck. he introduces himself as a representative of the weight loss company. the sign reads, "if i can catch you, i can fuck you."
a couple returned from their honeymoon and it's obvious to everyone that they are not talking to each other. the groom's best man takes him aside and asks what is wrong. "well," replied the man "when we had finished fucking on the first night, as i got up to go to the bathroom i put a £50 note on the pillow without thinking." "oh, you shouldn't worry about that too much," said his friend. "i'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough - she can't expect you to have been saving yourself all these years!" the groom nodded gently and said, "i don't know if i can get over this though. she gave me £20 change!"
a couple married thirty years were revisiting the same places they went to on their honeymoon. driving through the secluded countryside, they passed a ranch with a tall deer fence running along the road. the woman said, "sweetheart, let's do the same thing we did here thirty years ago." the guy stopped the car. his wife backed against the fence, and they shagged like never before. back in the car, the guy says, "darling, you sure never moved like that thirty years ago, or any time since that i can remember!" the woman says, "thirty years ago that fence wasn't electrified!"
did you hear about the bloke that was talking to his mate, and he said, "i don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so i'm stuck." his mate said, "i have an idea. why don't give her a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. she'll probably be thrilled!" so the bloke did just that. the next day his mate asked, "well, did you take my suggestion? how'd it turn out?" "she loved it. she jumped up, thanked me, kissed me, and ran out the door yelling-i'll see you in two hours!"
a married man thought he would give his wife a birthday surprise by buying her a bra. he entered a ladies shop rather intimidated, but the girls took charge to help him. "what color?" they asked. he settled for white. "how much does it cost?" he asked. "twenty pounds." "very good," he thought. all that remained was the size, but he hadn't the faintest idea. "now sir, are they the size a pair of melons? coconuts? grape fruits? oranges?" "no," he said, "nothing like that." "come on, sir, think. there must be something your wife's bust resembles." he thought long and hard and then looked up and said, "have you ever seen a spaniel's ears?"
a guy goes to a doctor and says, "doc, you've got to help me. my cock is orange." the doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can check. damned if the guy's penis isn't orange! doc tells the guy, "this is very strange. sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person's life." probing as to the causes of possible stress, the doc asks the guy, "how are things going at work?" the guy responds that he was fired about six weeks ago. the doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the stress. the guy responds, "no. the boss was a real arsehole, i had to work 20-30 hours of overtime every week and i had no say in anything that was happening. i found a new job a couple of weeks ago where i can set my own hours, i'm getting paid double what i got on the old job, and the boss is a really great guy." so the doc figures this isn't the reason. he asks the guy, "how's your home life?" the guy says, "well, i got divorced about eight months ago." the doc figures that this has got to be the reason for all of the guys stress. but the guy says, "no. for years, all i listened to was nag, nag, nag. christ, am i glad to be rid of that old bitch!" so the doc takes a few minutes to think a little longer. he inquires, "do you have any hobbies or a social life?" the guy replies, "no, not really. most nights i just sit at home, watch some porn films and eat cheetos!!"
a man goes to the doctors and says, "doctor, i've got this problem you see, only you've got to promise not to laugh". the doctor replies, "of course i won't laugh! that would be thoroughly unprofessional. in over twenty years of being a doctor i've never laughed at a patient." "ok then," says the man, and he drops his trousers. the doctor is greeted by the sight of the tiniest penis he has ever seen in his life. despite his best efforts, he begins laughing, softly at first, then uncontrollably. several minutes later he manages to compose himself and wipes the tears from his eyes. "i'm so sorry," he says to the patient, "i don't know what came over me, i won't let it happen again. now what seems to be the problem? the man looks up at the doctor with sad eyes and says, "it's swollen."
one day, the lord came to adam to pass on some news. "i've got some good news and some bad news," the lord said. adam looked at the lord and said, "well, give me the good news first." smiling, the lord explained, "i've got two new organs for you. one is called a brain. it will allow you to create new things, solve problems, and have intelligent conversations with eve."the other organ i have for you is called a penis. it will give you great physical pleasure and allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children." adam, very excited, exclaimed, "these are great gifts that you have given to me. what could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?" the lord looked upon adam and said with great sorrow, ........... "you will never be able to use these two gifts at the same time."
a married couple sleepily awoke one saturday morning. the wife rolled over and inquired, "are you going to mow the lawns today?" the husband replied, "who do i look like - jim's mowing?" not being quick to give up, she continued, "how about mending the tv aerial then?" "who do i look like the antenna man?" he sarcastically replied again. she sighed, and he got up and went off to his golf game. when he returned home, the antenna was fixed and the lawn mowed. "who the hell did this?" the husband asked, flabbergasted. "the antenna man and jim's mowing" the wife replied, smiling smugly. "how did you afford it?" the husband inquired, becoming nervous. "well, they said i could either bake them each a pie or give them a blow-job." said the wife. "so what sort of pies did you bake?" the husband continued, a little more relieved. the wife replied, "who do i look like - sara lee?"
a guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan. he says, "what was that for?" she says, "i found a piece of paper in your pocket with 'alicia' written on it." he says, "jesus, honey...remember last week when i went to the track? 'alicia' was the name of the horse i went there to bet on." she shrugs and walks away. three days later he's reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks! him on the back of the head with the frying pan again. he says, "what was that for?" she says, "your horse called."
a couple's having dinner in a restaurant when their waitress, standing a few tables away, watches as the guy slides all the way down his chair and out of sight. the woman across from him seems to not notice. the waitress comes over and says, "excuse me, ma'am, is your husband alright? i think he just slid under the table." the woman says, "no, he just walked in the door."
a man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles...the salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him. he answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. she directs him down the correct aisle. a few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. she says, confused, "sir, i thought you were looking for tampons for your wife?". he answers, "you see, it's like this. yesterday, i sent my wife to the store to get me a packet of cigarettes and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling paper. so, i figure that if i have to roll my own, so does she!"
a lady was walking along the beach and finds a genie's lamp. she rubs the lamp.. and behold - a genie appears... the genie tells the lady that she is the 6th person to rub his lamp that morning and he would only grant her one wish... so the lady thinks for a bit.. and then says "well.. i have never been to hawaii.. however, i get sea sick on boats and i am scared of flying. so genie.. i wish for a bridge to hawaii." the genie.. face aghast.. says "do you have any idea what you are asking for??? - all the concrete.. the steel.. the engineering.... no!!.. i just can't grant it.. it's too much. but... you are still allowed a wish" the lady thinks for a while and then goes "well.. my husband says i don't understand him.. and all 5 of my ex-husbands said the same.. so genie.. i want to know what makes a man tick.. what motivates him, how he feels deep inside, how his mind works....." the genie sighs... and says "would you like that bridge 2 laned or 4?"
a journalist had done a story on gender roles in kuwait several years before the gulf war, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands. she returned to kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives. she approached one couple for an explanation. "this is marvellous !" said the journalist. "what enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles since the last time i was here ?" replied the kuwaiti man: "land mines!"
some first year college kids are sitting under a tree at their beautiful state university talking about their classes. says one young woman, "i can't believe it. my calculus course has to be the hardest course in the world." "get over yourself," says her girlfriend. "you should try my theoretical physics class." "you have got to be joking," says a bloke there on a football scholarship. "you call that stuff hard? you should try my class. have you ever heard of something called subtraction?"
a young woman in a really skimpy skirt is at the bus stop. when the bus arrives and the doors open, she tries to climb the steps. however, her skirt is too tight and her legs can't move. so she reaches behind her and undoes her zip a little. she tries to step up again, and still can't, so she reaches behind again and plays with the zip some more. she tries to climb the steps again -- still no luck. so as she's reaching behind again, a pair of strong hands pick her up and place her on the top step. "what do you think you're doing?!" she indignantly asks the guy behind her. "well, i figured, by the second time you undid my flys we were at least good friends!"
a rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. she gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. when he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. when he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy. "are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "actually, no" he replies. "can you get him for me? - i need to speak to him." she says, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair. "i'm afraid i can't" breathes the barman - clearly in trouble. "is there anything i can do?" "yes there is. i need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."
a guy in a ski mask bursts into a sperm bank with a shotgun. "open the fucking safe" he yells at the girl behind the counter. "but we're not a real bank" she replies, "we don't have any money, this is a sperm bank." "don't argue, open the fucking safe or i'll blow your head off" says the guy with the gun. she obliges and once she's opened the safe door the guy says "take out one of the bottles and drink it." "but it's full `of sperm!" she replies nervously. "don't argue, just drink," it he says. she pulls the cap off and gulps it down. "take out another one and drink it too," he demands. she takes out another and drinks it as well. suddenly the guy pulls off the ski mask and to the girl's amazement it's her husband. "there," he says "it's not that fucking difficult is it?"
a young couple are on their way to las vegas to get married. before getting there, the girl says to the guy that she has a confession to make; the reason that they have not been intimate is because she is very flat chested. if the guy wishes to cancel the wedding, it is okay with her. the guy thought about it for a while and said he does not mind she is flat because sex is not the most important thing in a marriage. several miles down the road, the guy turns to the girl and says that he also wanted to make a confession. he said that below his waist, he's built just like a baby. if the girl wanted to cancel the wedding, it is okay with him. the girl thought about it for a while and said that she does not mind, because she also believed there are other things far more important than sex in a marriage. they were happy that they were so honest with each other and continue to las vegas where they were married. in their motel on the wedding night, the girl took off her clothes... sure enough, she is as flat as a washboard. then, finally, the guy takes off his clothes. after one glance at the guy's naked body, the girl fainted dead away and fell to the floor. after she regained her senses, the guy asked; "what's the matter, i told you before we got married; why did you faint?" the girl replied, " you told me it was just like a baby." the guy responded; " yes, that's right: 8 pounds and 21 inches!"
a guy named bob receives a free ticket to the super bowl from his company. unfortunately, when bob arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium - he's closer to the goodyear blimp than the field. about halfway through the first quarter, bob notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field, right on the 50 yard line. he decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat. as he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" the man says no. now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, bob again inquires of the man next to him, "this is incredible! who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the superbowl and not use it?" the man replies, "well, actually, the seat belongs to me, i was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. this is the first super bowl we haven't been together at since we got married in 1967." "well, that's really sad," says bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? a relative or close friend?" "no," the man replies, "they're all at the funeral."
these two guys lived on the street and had just spent the last of their money. they figured the only thing they needed to stay alive was beer, but they needed a plan to get some. one guy(lets call him sam) came up with the idea they could go in the bar, have a beer, and before the waiter asked them for money, the other guy(he's bob) would take a hot dog and stick it in his pants while sam got on his knees and sucked it. that way they would be thrown out without paying. this worked for several bars until sam complained his knees were getting sore. "you're telling me", said bob, "my dick is sore." "what do you mean"said sam? "yeah," bob said,"i lost the hot dog about five bars back."
a man accidentlly elbows a woman in a hotel lobby while trying to get to the clerk to ask a question. startled, the man turns to the woman and says, "ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, i'm sure you will forgive me..." she replies, "if your cock is as hard as your elbow, i'm in room 436."
three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newly-wed couple wanted to join a church. the priest said, "we have special requirements for new parishioners. you must abstain from having sex for two weeks." the couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. the pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" the old man replied, "no problem at all, priest." "congratulations! welcome to the church!" said the priest. the priest went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" the middle-aged man replied, "the first week was not too bad. the second week i had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yep we made it." "congratulations! welcome to the church," said the priest. the priest then went to the newly-wed couple and asked, "well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?" "no pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly. "what happened?" inquired the priest . "my wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it" said the young man. "when she bent over to pick it up, i was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there." "you understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church" stated the priest. "we know," said the young man. "we're not welcome at the supermarket anymore either"
two guys and a woman were sitting at a bar talking about themselves. the first guy says, "i'm a yuppie...you know...young, urban, professional." the second guy says, "i'm a dink...you know...double income, no kids." they asked the woman, "and you?" she replied, "i'm a wife...you know... wash, iron, fuck, etc."
a guy walks into the doctor's office and says, "dddddoc, i've bbbeen stuttterrrering for yeeears, and iiii'm tired of it. caaaan yoooou hellllp me?" the doc says, "well, i'll have to examine you to see what's going on." so he examines him, and says, "well i think i know what the problem is." the guy asks, "weeell wwwhat is it, dddoc? the doctor replies, "well, it's your penis, it's about a foot long and all the down pressure is putting strain on your vocal cords." the guy asks, "wwwhaat caaan we dddo?" the doctor says, "well, i can cut it off and transplant a shorter one." the guy replies, "dddddoooo it!" the guy has the operation and three weeks later, he comes back into the doctor's office and says, "doc, you solved the problem and i don't stutter anymore, but i've only had sex once in the past three weeks. my wife doesn't like it anymore. she liked it with my long one. i don't care if i have to stutter, i want you to put my long one back on." the doctor says, "nnnnope.....aaaa ddddeal's aaa dddddeal!!!
a wife went in to see a therapist and said, "i've got a big problem doctor." every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell." "my dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. i don't see what the problem is." "the problem is," she complained, "it wakes me up."
these three women were roommates. one night they all had all gone out on dates and all came home at about the same time. the blonde said, "you know you've been on a good date when you come home with your hair all messed up." the brunette said, "no, you know you've been on a good date when you come home with your makeup all smeared." the redhead said nothing, but reached under her skirt, removed her panties and threw them against the wall, where they stuck. she said, "now that's a good date!"
a frenchman and an italian were seated next to an englishman on an overseas flight. after a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives. "last night, i made love to my wife four times," the frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crÈpes and she told me how much she adored me." "ah, last night i made love to my wife six times," the italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omeletto and told me she could never love another man." when the englishman remained silent, the frenchman smugly asked, "and how many times did you make love to your wife last night?" "once," he replied. "only once?" the italian arrogantly snorted. "and what did she say to you this morning?" "don't stop."
a young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. one evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says, "mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four." instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return. this time the husband crosses his fingers and says, "mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!" again, there's a bright flash... and his legs fall off.
a frustrated wife decided her sex life needed spicing up. after work, she went shopping and picked up a pair of crotchless panties. she went home and donned the new garment, then selected a short skirt to go with it. she greeted her husband when he came home from work and sat across from him as they had a drink. she slowly spread her legs. "honey, would you like some of this?" she asked enticingly. "hell no!" he gasped, "look what it's done to your underwear!"
at the card shop: a woman was spending a long time looking at the cards, finally shaking her head, "no." a clerk came over and asked, "may i help you?" "i don't know," said the woman. "do you have any 'sorry i laughed at your dick' cards?"
bob's greatest achievement was his brood of six children. in fact, he was so proud of himself that he started calling his wife "mother of six", despite her continual objections. one night at a cocktail party, bob decided it was time to go home and shouted across the room, "shall we go home, mother of six?" his irritated wife hollered back, "any time you're ready, father of four."
a man walks into a supermarket and buys : 1 bar of soap 1 toothbrush 1 tube toothpaste 1 loaf of bread 1 pint of milk 1 single serving cereal 1 single serving frozen dinner the girl at the checkout looks at him and says, "you're single aren't you?" the man replies very sarcastically, "how did you guess?" she replies, "because you are so damn ugly!"
the three fastest means of communication: telephone television tell-a-woman.
a man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. a woman is driving down the same road. as they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells, "pig!!" the man immediately leans out his window and replies, "bitch!!" they each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.
a woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle. "it's for my husband," she tells the clerk. "did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk. "are you kidding?" she says. "he doesn't even know that i'm going to shoot him!"
a middle-aged guy says to his wife, "you should go bra-less." she says, "do you think my breasts are still perky enough?" he says, "no, but maybe it'd pull the wrinkles out of your face."
a man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class. the man sneezes, pulls out his penis and wipes the tip off. the woman can't believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating. a few minutes pass. the man sneezes again. he pulls out his penis and wipes the tip off. the woman is about to go nuts. she can't believe that such a rude person exists. a few more minutes pass. the man sneezes yet again. he takes his penis out and wipes the tip off. the woman has finally had enough. she turns to the man and says, "three times you've sneezed, and three times you've removed your penis from your pants to wipe it off! what the hell kind of degenerate are you?" the man replies, "i am sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am. i have a very rare condition such that when i sneeze, i have an orgasm." the woman, now feeling badly, says, "oh, i'm sorry. what are you taking for it?" the man looks at her and says, "pepper."
once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond. the frog said to the princess, "i was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. one kiss from you and i will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom, and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so." that night, while the princess dined on frogs legs, she laughed to herself and thought "i don't think so."
a man tells his wife that he's going out to buy cigarettes. when he gets to the store he finds out however , that it's closed. so the guy ends up going down to the local bar to use the vending machine. while there he had a few beer and began talking to this beautiful girl. he had a few more beer and the next thing he knew he was in this girl's apartment and having quite a pleasurable time. the next thing he knew it was 3:00 am. "oh my, god , my wife is going to kill me!" he exclaimed. "quick give me some talcum powder!" she got him some and he rubbed it all over his hands. when he got home his wife was up waiting for him and she was furious. "where the hell have you been!" he said, "well to tell you the truth, i went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and i slept with her." "let me see your hands!" she demanded. he showed his wife his powdery hands. "damn liar, you were out bowling again!"
jim: joe, i hear you just got married again.
joe: yes, for the fourth time.
jim: what happened to your first three wives?
joe: they all died, jim.
jim: how did that happen?
joe: my first wife ate poison mushrooms.
jim: how terrible! and your second?
joe: she ate poison mushrooms.
jim: and your third ate poison mushrooms too?
joe: oh, no. she died of a broken neck.
jim: i see, an accident.
joe: not exactly. she wouldn't eat her mushrooms.
brenda, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her obstetrician's office. when the exam was over, she shyly began, "my husband wants me to ask you..." "i know, i know." the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder, "i get asked that all the time. sex is fine until late in the pregnancy." "no, that's not it at all." brenda confessed. "he wants to know if i can still mow the lawn."
a man has a headache and goes to see the doctor. the doctor says "i have bad news and good news. the bad news is that you have a brain tumor. the good news is that we can do a brain transplant, and we have just admitted a couple who was in a car accident. we can get you one of their brains. the male brain will cost your insurance company £100,000, and the female brain will cost £30,000." the man says "i hate to be rude, but why does the male brain cost so much more than the female brain?" the doctor replies "because the male brain has never been used."
a while back there was an opening in the cia for an assassin. these highly classified positions are extremely difficult to fill, requiring an extensive background check, training and testing before candidates are even considered for the position. after reviewing several applicants and completing all the checks and training, the field was narrowed to the three most promising candidates. the day came for the final test, which would determine which of equally qualified candidates would get the job. the final candidates consisted of two men and one woman. the men administering the test took the first candidate, a man, down a corridor to a closed door and handed him a gun saying, "we must be completely assured that you will complete your assignments and follow instructions regardless of the circumstances. inside this room you will find your wife, seated in a chair. take this gun and kill her." the man, looking completely shocked said, "you can't be serious! i could never kill my wife." the cia man said, "well, then, you're obviously not the man for the job. take your wife and go home." they brought the next candidate in, the other man, and repeated the instructions. this man took the gun, walked into the room and closed the door. however, after five minutes of silence, the door opened and the man handed the cia tester the gun, saying, "i just couldn't do it. i couldn't kill my wife. i tried to pull the trigger but i just couldn't do it." the cia man said, "well, then, you're obviously not the man for the job. take your wife and go home." then they brought the woman down the corridor to the closed door, handed her a gun, and said, "we must be completely assured that you will complete your assignments and follow instructions regardless of the circumstances. inside this room you will find your husband, seated in a chair. take this gun and kill him." the woman took the gun, walked into the room, and before the door closed all the way the cia men heard the gun start firing. one shot after another, for thirteen shots, the noise continued. then all hell broke loose. for the next several minutes the men heard screaming, cursing, furniture crashing and banging on the walls; then suddenly, silence. the door opened slowly and there stood the woman. she wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "you guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! i had to beat him to death with the chair!"
bill's all excited about his new rifle. so, he goes bear hunting in alaska. the first bear he sees is a little brown bear, and he kills it with his first shot. there is a tap on his shoulder,and he turns around to see a big black bear. the black bear says "you've got 2 choices. one, i maul you to death or two, we have sex." bill bends over for the bear. he's sore for 2 days, but he recovers and vows revenge. bill heads out on another trip to alaska and he finds the black bear and kills him. at that moment there is a tap on his shoulder. a huge grizzly is standing right behind him. the grizzly says, "that was a big mistake. you've got 2 choices, "either i maul you to death or we have sex." bill bends over. he survives, but he's really hurting and takes quite a bit of time to recover, and, he's outraged. sure enough, he heads back to alaska and finds the grizzly and shoots him at point blank range. there's a tap on his shoulder. he turns around to find an enormous polar bear, and the polar bear says "you don't really come here for the hunting, do you?"
a young couple, just married, were in the honeymoon suite on their wedding night. as they undressed for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "here put these on." she did, and found that the waist was twice the size of her body. "i can't wear your pants," she said. "that's right!", said the husband, "and don't you forget it! i'm the man who wears the pants in this family." she looked at him, then flipped him her panties and said, "try these on." with growing excitement he tried them on, just to find he could only get them on as far as his kneecap. he said, "heck, i can't get into your panties!" she said, "that's right - and that's the way it's going to stay until your sodding attitude changes!"
an office manager was sent three secretaries, equally qualified, to fill one vacancy. "well," thought the manager, "i'll give them an honesty test to determine which secretary to keep." to this end, he gave each secretary a money bag to take and bank telling them that there was $50 in the bag. (in fact, he had placed $100 in each bag; thus the honesty test.) the first secretary goes to the bank, discovers the extra money, banks $50 and returns the extra $50 to the manager. the second secretary goes to the bank, discovers the extra money, banks the full $100, and returns with a deposit slip as proof. the third secretary goes to the bank, discovers the extra money, banks $50, goes to the local tab and uses the $50 to win $300, then returns, explains to the manager and gives him the all the money. question: which secretary does the manager select to retain? answer: the one with the biggest tits!
a woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. after the check-up, the doctor took the wife aside and said, "if you don't do the following, your husband will surely die". 1.each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood. 2.at lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work. 3.for dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don't burden him with household chores. 4.have sex with him several times a week and satisfy his every whim. on the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor had told her. "you're going to die," she replied.
two girls are having coffee when one notices that the other girl seems troubled and asks her, "is something bugging you? you look anxious." "well, my boyfriend just lost all his money and life savings in the stock market," she explained. "oh, that's too bad," the other girl sympathized. "i'm sure you're feeling sorry for him." "yeah, i am," she said. "he'll miss me."
a man traveling by plane and in urgent need to use the mens room is nervously tapping his foot on the floor of the aircraft. each time he tried the mensroom door, it was "occupied". the stewardess, aware of his predicament suggested that he go ahead and use the ladies room, but cautioned him against using any of the buttons inside. the buttons were marked "ww, wa, pp and atr". making the mistake that so many men make in disregarding the importance of what a woman says, the man let his curiosity get the best of him and decided to try the buttons anyway. he carefully pressed the first button marked "ww" and immedately warm water sprayed all over his entire bottom. he thought, "wow, the women really have it made!". still curious, he pressed the button marked "wa" and a gentle breeze of warm air quickly dried his hind quarters. he thought that was out of this world! the button marked "pp" yielded a large powder puff which delicately applied a soft talc to his rear. well, naturally he couldn't resist the last button marked "atr". when he woke up in the hospital he paniced and buzzed for the nurse. when she appeared, he cried out, "what happened to me?! the last thing i remember is i was in the ladies room on a business trip!" the nurse replied, "yes, you were having a great time until you pressed the "atr" button which stands for automatic tampon remover... your penis is under your pillow!"
two men are playing golf when a funeral procession passes by on the street next to the green. one of the men takes off his hat and holds it over his heart. when the procession has passed, the other man says, "that was a nice gesture." "well," the first guy says, "after twenty years of marriage, it was the least i could do for her."
little johnny and jane are playing in the garden when they start having an argument about whether boys are better than girls. after a while johnny stands up and pulls down his shorts saying 'boys are better than girls 'cos you haven't got one of these!!'. jane looks at him in astonishment as she knows that she hasn't got one of those between her legs. she bursts out crying and rushes inside to her mother. a little while later she comes back out with a big smile on her face. 'my mum says girls are better than boys', she says. 'no they're not.' says johnny pulling down his shorts, 'you haven't got one of these!'. jane looks at him, then raises her skirt, pulls down her panties and says 'my mum says that as long as i've got one of these, i can have as many of those as i want!!'
the brash young gynecologist, fresh out of medical school, took one look at his voluptuous new patient and abandoned his professional ethics entirely. as he stroked the supple skin of her naked body, he asked, "do you understand what i am doing?" "yes," the patient answered. "you're checking for dermatological abrasions." "correct," the doctor lied. next, he fondled her breasts long and lovingly. again, he inquired, "do you understand what i am doing?" "you're feeling for cancerous lumps," she ventured. "very astute," the doctor complimented, getting more excited. he placed the woman's feet in stirrups, dropped his pants, and slipped his member inside her. "and do you understand what i am doing now?" "all too well," the patient shot back. "you're contracting herpes."
a 75-year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. the doctor gave the man a jar and said, "take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow." the next day, the 75-year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day. the doctor asks what happened, and the man explains, "well, doc, it's like this. first i tried with my right hand, but nothing. then i tried with my left hand, but nothing. then i asked my wife for help. she tried with her right hand, but nothing. then her left, but nothing. she even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing." the doctor was shocked. "you asked your neighbour?" the old man replied, "yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get the damn jar open!"
eleven reasons why e-mail is like a cock: 1. some folks have it, some don't. 2. those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off. 3. those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior. 4. those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it. 5. many of those who don't have it would like to try it (e-mail envy). 6. it can be up or down. it's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done. 7. in the long distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species. some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time. 8. if you don't apply the appropriate measures, it can spread viruses. 9. if you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently. 10.we attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant. 11.if you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble.
the smiths were shown into the dentist's office, where mr smith made it clear he was in a big hurry. "no fancy stuff, doctor," he ordered, "no gas or needles or any of that stuff. just pull the tooth and get it over with." "i wish more of my patients were as brave as you," said the dentist admiringly. "now, which tooth is it?" mr. smith turned to his wife "show him , honey."
an escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. as soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "honey, this guy hasn t seen a woman in years. just cooperate with anything he wants. if he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. our lives depend on it." "dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "i'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you are really cute!"
and it came to pass that the lord called to adam and said, "it is time for you and eve to begin the process of populating the earth so i want you to kiss her." adam answered, "yes lord, but what is a 'kiss?'" the lord gave a brief description to adam who took eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush. a few minutes later, adam emerged and said, "thank you lord, that was enjoyable." the lord replied, "yes adam, i thought you might enjoy that and now i'd like for you to caress eve." again, adam had to ask, "what is a 'caress?'" again, the lord gave adam a brief description and adam went behind the bush with eve. quite a few minutes later, adam returned...smiling, and said, "lord, that was even better than the kiss." the lord said, "you've done well adam. now i want you to make love to eve." of course adam had to ask, "what is 'make love' lord?'" and again, the lord gave adam directions to which adam went straight away to eve, behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in two seconds asking... "lord, what is a 'headache?'"
a husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their wedding anniversary. the husband decides to give his wife a gift, a tombstone, with the inscription: "here lies my wife.....cold as ever" later the furious wife bought a return present, a tombstone with the inscription: "here lies my husband.....stiff at last"
what do blondes and turtles have in common?
once they're on their back they're fucked
what do you call a blond with one braincell? gifted.
what do you call a blond with two braincells? pregnant.
what is green and smells of bacon?
kermet the frogs finger.
what's the definition of making love?
it's what a woman does while a man's screwing her.
what do performing cunnilingus and being in the mafia have in common?
one slip of the tongue and you're in the shit.
which of the following doesn't belong: wife, meat, eggs, blowjob.
the blowjob. you can beat your wife, your eggs or your meat but you can't beat a blowjob.
how do you know if you have a high sperm count?
your date has to chew before she swallows.
there was an englishman an irishman and a scotsman and they come across a cave with a table with a five pound note on the englishman goes up to the table and is about to pick up the note when this voice comes out of the cave "this is the ghost of aunty mable that five pound note stays on the table" the englishman runs out of the cave, then the irishman goes in the cave and is about to pick up the note when this voice comes out of the cave "this is the ghost of aunty mable that five pound note stays on the table" the irishman runs out of the cave, then the scotsman goes into the cave and is about to pick up the note when this voice comes out of the cave "this is the ghost of aunty mable that five pound note stays on the table" the scotsman says "this is the voice of davy crockett, that five pound note goes in my pocket"
there was an englishman an irishman and a scotsman on top of a magic slide which whatever you yell when you go down you land in, the scotsman yells "guiness" and so he landed in guiness, the englishman yells "vodka" and so he landed in vodka, the irishman forgot that he was supposed to yell what he wanted to land in and so he just yelled "weee"
what do you call two pakis in a sleeping bag
twix
what do you call lots of pakis in a swimming pool
coco pops
what do you call one paki on the moon
problem
what do you call two paksi on the moon
problem
what do you call three pakis on the moon
problem
what do you call all the pakis on the moon
problem solved
how do you get 100 pakis in a phone box
lob in a can of baked beans
how do you get them out again
use a tin opener
there was a see through thing lying in the middle of the road, it was a paki with the shit kicked out of him
why did the woman cross the road?
more to the point why was she out of the kitchen
why have women never been to the moon
because it doesn't need cleaning yet
why do women never go to ski ramps
because there's no ski ramp between the bedroom and the kitchen
what do you do if the dishwasher breaks down
slap her
women can drive in a straight line, its the road that moves from side to side
trees are funny things they stay in the same place for thousand's of years then suddenly jump out in front of women drivers
a man walks into a bar, ouch....a irishman walks into a pub, ouch
a man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder he orders a pint then the barman asks him "is that your newt on your shoulder?" the man replies "yes it is my newt" the man sits down to drink his pint then a few minutes later the barman comes up to him again and asks him "is that really your newt on your shoulder?" the man replies "yes it is my newt" the bar man asks him what the newts name is he replies "tiny", "whys that asks the barman i mean he is quite big for a newt" "well" replied the man " that's because he's my newt (minute)
a horse walks into a bar and says to the barman "can i have a pint of beer please "certainly" says the barman "but why the long face"
a bear walks into a bar and says to the barman "can i have a"(the bear pauses before continuing)" beer please" "certainly" says the barman "but why the big paws (pause)"
a man walks into a bar with a little piano player in a case the barman asks him "where did you get that" he replies "well i just rubbed this magic lamp and a genie came out and gave me some wishes" "can i have a go" asked the barman "certainly" said the man and gave him the lamps the bar man asked the genie for a million bucks and immediately floats down a million ducks "what happened he asked", "well" replied the man the genie's a little deaf you didn't think i asked for a 12 foot pianist did you?"
paddy and murphy walking down the road paddy falls down a hole murphy shouts dowd to paddy "is it dark down there" paddy yells back "i don't know i can't see
paddy still down the hole yells to murphy "can you go and get some help i think my leg needs some support" murphy runs to the nearest pub and gets a load of irishmen they all gather round the hole and start chanting "paddy's leg, paddy's leg paddy's leg
paddy is standing in front of murphy's car checking his lights, murphy yells to him "are my indicators working", paddy yells back "well yes no yes no yes.....
you are in charge of a firing squad you have to shoot a axe muderer and a blonde which do you shoot first?
the axe muderer, buisness before pleasure
how do you kill a blonde?
put a scratch and sniff card at the bottom of a swimming pool
a blonde girl and a normal girl are about to jump off a cliff, which one jumps off first?
the normal girl the blonde has to ask for directions
how can you tell whether a blonde's been using your computer
there's tippex all over the screen
how can you tell whether another blonde's been using your computer
there's writing on the tippex
'two elephants fell off a cliff, boom boom'
'three elephants fell off a cliff, boom boom tsch, one landed in the sea!'
they work when you say them out loud ok?!?
if brevity [briefness] is the soul of wit, your penis must be a riot!
what do you do when you've had a baby?
put it's nappy back on (yes, it's a bad one, i know)
what's big, silver and fits into a small ring?
gary glitter
two nuns driving through transylvania when a vampire jumps into the road. one nun says "quick show him your cross". so the other nun winds down her window and yells, "get out of the road you tosser"!
"what's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm?"
"i don't know, what?"
"drinking a cup of monkey spunk."
and, finally, a shitload of jokes typed in by some freak called richard drinkwater.
riddles
and here are some riddles:
"what strange thing hangs by a man's thigh under its master's clothes? it is pierced in front, is stiff and hard, has a good fixed place. when a man lifts his own garment up above his knee, he wishes to visit with the head of this hanging instrument the familiar hole which it, when of equal length, has often filled before."
a man rides into town on friday, stays three nights, then leaves on friday. how?
a man rides into town on friday, stays three nights, then leaves on friday. how?
presents
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freaks is © 2001 michelle harries • catseye entertainment™ is © 2001 michelle harries • mega sad productions™ is © 2001 caleb newcastle • all illustrative material used is © 2001 its respective copyright holder • webshite created september 12th, 1999 • webshite last updated march 21st, 2001.
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